Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I Wish I Could Save You

I have no idea how to start this entry ... so I'm just going to start typing and we'll see what has been poured out when I run out of time/energy/ideas.

Recently ... I took a chance. Fuelled by good intentions and the nudging of the Holy Spirit, I embarked on a journey to help a stranger and unfortunately, the journey came to a screeching halt (far sooner than I could have imagined) with some fairly significant consequences. I don't know what to do with what's left over. The energy and passion that was necessary to launch myself into this situation is now sitting, unused, in my bones and I haven't the faintest idea of what comes next. There was nothing I could have done - the choice wasn't mine to make - but now that it's been made, I'm admittedly quite lost.

What do you do when you throw yourself, head first, into an opportunity to help someone and it crumbles before it even starts? What do you do with the residue? The disappointment? The nagging worry that there was something more that could have been done - that the limitation lies with you?

I find myself over-analyzing. That's how I'm using the extra energy I have. And honestly, I think that's because I'm too scared to try again. I know this is aggravatingly vague and I'm desperately trying to be as general as possible without glazing over this issue of the heart -- but please understand, this isn't my story to tell. So all I can share with you is my very small part in a very large story.

I can't keep going over every detail, picking apart every word I said, every gesture that I made - I can't keep frantically searching for a way to blame myself. But, what if it happens again? What if I let a piece of someone's journey affect me and move me and wind up with ... confusion and unfinished sentences and regret?

Should've. Could've. Would've. Didn't. Couldn't. Can't.

I'm so exhausted from shrugging in helplessness and my throat hurts from trying to find the words ...

This is hard. And it hurts. And I don't know how to proceed. I don't know how to let it go and move on - I don't know how to leave all of my questions unanswered. I don't know how to go back to the way things were before I was certain that I was making all the right decisions.

How do I acknowledge the disappointment without becoming angry and bitter? Because, friends, I'm afraid that acknowledging the reality and the pain of what happened will push me too far, too deep, too soon ... and what if I can't find my way back? I can't become that angry, cynical person again.


HolyMama! said...

Oh! Jen!!! I have no idea what you're describing of course, but the anguish you're feeling came across loud and clear. I'm so sorry. Own your part, and leave the rest...? Or is that not helpful at all...?

Taryn said...

I love how you articulate yourself, Jen. I think that ability will be so useful in your Social Work career. Figuring out how to deal with the situation you're in now will definitely be an asset in the future. I admire your heart and self-awareness.