Movie Love

Let's review: Sleepless in Seattle, The Notebook, Away From Her, Titanic, You've Got Mail, Pretty Woman, Penelope ... and there are hundreds more. Love stories. Epic romances that leave you breathless and hopeful that it may some day happen to you. I know some of them are more "epic" than others - you certainly can't equate Titanic with Pretty Woman, but they have the same feel don't they? Enduring, conquering love in impossible circumstances. They always make you yearn; make you wonder if it's even possible to love like that.

I love any kind of love story. I truly do. I love how uplifting and passionate they are and how they try to bring us back to a time when love used to mean something - really mean something. It wasn't just tossed around casually or used as a bribe or withdrawn as a punishment. Love used to be epic. I believe in the enduring, epic nature of love.

I believe in movie love. I believe in Love.
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Joyful and Triumphant

It's Christmas Eve Day and I'm pretty much ready for Christmas. I need to pick up a couple more things for Tina but they're little and shouldn't take too much time. Isn't it sweet how optimistic I am? How innocent? Like I'm not going to be knee deep in shotgun shell casings after trying to elbow my way through Wal-Mart at 3pm.

I can't believe the year is drawing to a close! I won't recap (re-recap) my year and how much I've enjoyed it, but it has definitely been a year of change. Merry Christmas, one and all. I leave you with a recent conversation with my boss:

Me: Did you know that Tarsiers have eyes that weigh more than their brains!?
T: Reminds me of someone I know ...
Me: You know T, there's something to be said for walking away from an easy burn every once in a while.
T: But where's the fun in that?! Speaking of which, nice hair.
Me: You don't mean that.
T: Sure I do! I hear looking like a witch is very "now".

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Let It Rain!

**
Life, 3 Words:

God: my Father
Jesus: my Prince
Holy Spirit: so near
School: 4 classes
Work: busy fun
Home: peace, joy
Car: free, loud
Tina: home, happy
Muss: far, funny
Kiki: motivator, chef
Papers: both 92%
Weather: cold, Christmas
Shopping: not done
Money: too little
Family: too far
Friends: too many
Love in abundance

'Tis the Season.
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I Think We're Alone Now

**
I've been working so much lately that I've almost forgotten what an 8 hour day feels like. With Tina being home and it being "year-end" at work, I've had next to no time to just sit and be. Man, I miss just "being".

Sometimes I miss the quiet of an uneventful life. I miss being bored on the weekends and having no one to hang out with. I live with one of my best friends - I am never bored. Please don't think I'm complaining because I'm absolutely not. I'm just tired and I want to have one of those days where I can feel free to behave like a total a-hole and it doesn't matter cause no one's around to see it.

Year-End is finally over and I'm bloody thankful. I am going to home to bed.
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Commencing Countdown, Engines On

***
I'm not sticking to the rules. I cannot be contained. I refuse to excuse or explain my excitement.

I. AM. OVERJOYED.

Tina's home. Source of all things light and lovely and perfect. These are not lofty accolades, believe me - when you're with her, you'll understand. It's not fair that I had to be without her for a whole year, it's not fair that we didn't share our birthdays or Christmas or Thanksgiving, it's not fair that she came back looking all glowy and hip and I'm always wearing yesterday's clothes. But you know what is fair? She still knows me. We've both changed and grown and evolved into better friends, sisters, daughters etc, but man, she knows me.

I love that even when everything is crazy and I'm working 14 hour days and I'm messy and spontaneous and irrational - I'm treasured by her. Because to her, all these things are familiar yet new. She's known me as messy, spontaneous and irrational all her life - but now she's experiencing them all over again. Unfortunately for her, I've preserved some of my not-so-nice qualities as well and over time she'll grow to dread them but for right now, we're enjoying getting to know each other all over again.

And you know what I'm figuring out?

Things makes sense when Tina's around. And I LOVE when things make sense.
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Yellow Bird

Today I came to the realization that I am not seeking relevance or validation. Today I came to the realization that I am not seeking love, affection or even positive reinforcement.

Today I came to the realization that I am relevant, validated, loved, affected (ha!) and reinforced.

Today I came to the realization that I am 100%, tips of my toes to the top of my head bathed in yellow sunlight, heart combustingly HAPPY. And not only happy, but satisfied. I finally feel like my life means something.

I guess ... today I came to the realization that the search is over. Call off the dogs. I know who I am.
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To The Left, To The Left.

*
I have an irrational fear of the dentist. Like, I'm the girl sitting in the waiting room quietly sobbing into a 6 month old Us Weekly. I don't know what it is. It's not THAT uncomfortable, but I cry through the entire appointment. The tears start right after giving my name to the receptionist and stop when I'm driving home. And don't even get me started on when I'm actually IN the chair. I shake uncontrollably. We're not talking a little quivering, we're talking full body SHAKING.

The last time I went, I cried and shook so much that the dentist had to leave the room for 20 minutes (read: an ETERNITY when you're about to get a needle in the gums) because he was laughing so hard. Imagine the crying and shaking and me trying to say through that terrible dental dam "I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me. I know it's not going to hurt that badly. I'm so sorry" and all the dentist hears is "Ah owwy, ah ohn oh as ong eh ee ...". Just typing about that rubber trampoline they put over your mouth (read: half way down your throat so you can't swallow or breathe) makes my mouth water and my stomach churn.

In case you couldn't tell, I'm about to make my first dental appointment in 2 years. Scratch that. 3 years. Oh God ...
_

That Which Is Senseless ...

I work in a machine shop. 15 boys and ME. Sometimes they say the funniest things and it really makes my day. On Monday one of the guys is having a birthday and Muss is making him an awesome cake. It's making him crazy that I won't tell him what the cake is shaped like (they're always personalized to what each guy likes) and thus, the following conversation:

Guy: Gwen! Tell me what kind of cake you're making me.
Me: No way, it's a surprise.
Guy: Why?! You told me what all the other guys were getting!
Me: Yes but I didn't tell THEM ...
Guy: Well I did! What can I say? I'm a chatty Kathy!

I lost it. SO funny.
_

Stay ...

No longer lost, or wandering or scared
Chasing a fountain for wishing
Running and frantically checking
Over my shoulder, my past

Not one to find myself in another
Or allow this heart to be held
Please keep your distance, I can't let you
Touch me, keep me or change me

Shifting from one left foot to another
Tripping on best laid plans
Trying so hard to look ahead, only to find
What I'm looking forward to has already passed

Today, a new plan, a new day, a new hope
I choke on emotion as I deeply inhale
Change is laced with grace in the air
Forgiveness and freedom surround me

Welcome to this brand new place
White and breathlessly golden
Lacking in pretention and expectation
It's peaceful, it's light, it's home.
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I've Got a Friend Who Loves Me

We had a party last night. MY party. A table full of friends, super good food and I didn't pay a cent (by the way, ladies, who paid for that?!). The night ended, friends parted and I drove home warm and happy. When I got home I was greeted with half a dozen missed calls and a couple frantic voicemails. A crisis - a friend in trouble - desperation from 5 hours away. That's one of the world's worst feelings - complete helplessness. I was called to comfort a friend who was hysterically crying and wanted nothing more than to end it all so she didn't have to feel the pain anymore. "You're the only one who can talk to her, Jen" translates in my head as "You're the only one who can save her!". Welcome to my crippling Saviour complex.

My desperation to ease her distress is nothing compared to her pain. I can't relate, I can't even empathize. I want to rescue her. Everything in me is screaming "Go to her! Don't let her do anything drastic! You'll never forgive yourself if something happens to her!", but then, THANKFULLY, I hear the voice of God whispering "It's okay, you comforted, you calmed and now the rest is up to her. Rest - please. You need to rest".

I'm so lucky. I have more than most - more that anyone, really. If you're reading this, I love you. Please, please know that. I love you guys and I'll always be here. You may roll your eyes and say "I know, I know" but seriously - stop for a second (RIGHT NOW) and consider this: I LOVE YOU. I'll always love you. I can't keep you safe, I can't protect you from pain or disappointment but for fuck sakes girls - I love you. Everything in me wants everything in you to FEEL and KNOW that.

Please know that.
_

Hands Open, Eyes Open

So long, 23 - move over and make room for 24! While I gleefully anticipate what this next year of my life will bring, I can’t help but feel the need to pay tribute to the past year – full of drama and confusion but SO much fill-me-up to overflowing, shiny, dandy LOVE. In the spirit of the day – enjoy:

23 Reminiscents of 23

During this past year:

1. I’ve worked 2 jobs, 17 hours a day, barely sleeping and still not making ends meet. One year ago today, I wasn’t happy.
   
2. I’ve swallowed my pride and asked for help.
   
3. I’ve quit 2 jobs and accepted one - overpaid, underworked and delighted. Every day.
   
4. I dated an amazing guy and realized through his example, that good relationships DO exist.
   
5. I’ve lived in an apartment with one of my best friends and now live in a house with one of my best friends.
   
6. While living in the aforementioned apartment, we were visited more by the police than friends/family.
   
7. Never once were the police there to see us.
   
8. I adopted a beautiful sponsor child.
   
9. I’ve started University and am an "A" student (so far).
   
10. I’m settled into a Church that I love and truly feel is my home and family.
    
11. I’ve developed even more idiosyncrasies – mostly involving the control/elimination of germs and bacteria.
    
12. I haven’t missed living in Ireland. I’ve missed the kids and the shops – but not the lifestyle. Never.
    
13. I finally launched "Every Avenue" – prayer and worship for youth. Freedom..
    
14. I’ve missed my sister ever day since she’s been living in England.
    
15. I’ve seen friends pregnant and then I’ve seen them as mothers. Watching them - I’ve been overwhelmed with pride.
    
16. I’ve found and re-connected with long lost friends and family.
    
17. I’ve been consumed with hurt, anger, bitterness and the sting of betrayal.
    
18. I’ve gotten over it.
    
19. I bought a laptop and now can’t believe I ever lived without it.
    
20. I’ve learned that it’s OKAY that I think gay people should be allowed to get married, and women should be allowed to choose what happens to their body, and I can believe those things and still love Jesus.
    
21. I’ve watched the U.S. change the course of history by electing an African American President. Hope on a podium. Hope for Darfur. Hope for my generation.
    
22. I have made new friends and been accepted into their families.
    
23. I have loved deeply and recklessly and I’ve been loved the same way.
    

Whatever Tomorrow Brings, I'll Be There

My sister is hilarious. She really is. We can make a joke about pretty much anything - this is especially easy when she's in one of "those" moods. Enjoy our most recent conversation:

Tina: I hate those girls who aren't happy unless every guy is in love with them. Some of us would be happy with ONE guy - even if he's ugly! I mean, look at you and So-and-So.

Jen: *gasp* TINA!

T: (laughing hysterically)

J: He was really nice, okay?!

T: Oh he was nice, was he?! He didn't BEAT YOU? That's nice.

J: Tina! Stop ... (laughing too)

T: Was he deep, Jen? Was he troubled, like Joaquin Phoenix? Did he have deep inner thoughts?! Was it his sense of humour? Was he smart?? Need I go on!?

J: (wheezing)

T: (wheezing)

J: I can't believe you're wheezing.

T: All I know is he's gotta have brawn. I don't even know what that IS, but he's gotta have it!

Come home, Teen. Come home and we'll rustle you up some "brawn" - whatever that is.
_

I'm Having Such A Good Time, I'm Having A Ball

So, Muss blogged about why she loves her job - so allow me to blog about why I love mine. And by that I mean "why I don't entirely despise my job" because I was here until 11pm last night trying to catch up for month end and I'd be lying if I said I loved it today.

I sat in my boss' office this morning and stared straight through him until I could remember why I was there in the first place. While I was doing so, he noticeably glanced at my hair. Now, as I said - I was here late last night, got home with just enough time to chat with a very tired and disheveled Kiki, have a text-versation with Josh, wash my face and get to bed by 1am. So I'm exhausted - and, I'm not ashamed to say - not looking my best.

So here's how the conversation went:

Me: What the hell was that?
T: What was what?
Me: You looked at my hair. Don't do that. Don't look at my hair like that.
T: (laughing) I was just thinking that it looks better than it did yesterday when you had a paperclip holding back your bangs.

I'm beginning to think we've gotten too comfortable with each other.
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Stop and Stare

I'm getting my Social Work midterm back tonight. So ... in about 8 hours I'll either be delighted or disappointed. It's nice to have a glimpse into the future of my afternoon. Spooky.

I've barely worked lately (read: at all) due to days off for midterms etc. Having a hard time working up the nerve to tackle the pile of paperwork on my desk.

Becky is coming for a visit tomorrow! She's staying the night with Kiki and I and all the girls (aside from Kris, who has to work) have confirmed their presence at a fun "We Love Becky" dinner. Can't wait. Will be lovely to have a good portion of "my girls" all in one room. You know ... before the shenanigans of my birthday next week.

I'm so disturbed by the news of the triple homicide in Jennifer Hudson's family. NOT because she's famous and NOT because she's an Oscar Winner but because it's horrendous to lose ANYONE you love - not to mention 3 in one day to something like murder. Horrific. Makes me want to call my family and friends and make sure they know how much I love them.

In fact ... that's what I'll spend my lunch time doing.
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Dear Mr. President

I can't stand being sick. I'm such a baby and my poor room-mates are probably starting to learn that. I wish my Mom was here to make me tea and soup and tuck me in. But I'm lucky, Kiki does all that stuff - even if she does make me chicken noodle soup despite my vegetarianism.

So this weekend is going to consist of studying and self-medication. I've got class tomorrow morning but aside from that, I won't be leaving the house. Resting, studying, studying, resting. I'm nervous about next week's midterms - doing poorly on the first midterm of the semester tends to set the standard for the rest of the year. I need to do well because I'm smart and when smart people do badly on tests, it makes them look lazy. And stupid. I may be lazy but stupid I am not.

Every once in a while I find myself imagining what a conversation between myself and President Bush would sound like. Usually I decide that it would consist of me shaking my head, mentioning the genocide in Darfur, looking him in the eyes and asking "How do you sleep at night?".

In my head, he has no response. In real life, they don't let people like me near people like him.

Love, Pain, The Whole Damn Thing

Sometimes the memories overpower me - my resolve fades and I let myself dwell, if only for a second. I refuse to think about you because by doing so, I give credit to who you're not. The memories I have of you don't do you justice - that's not who you are. You're not kind or passionate, you don't actually give a shit about me. But I'll give you this - you're quite the actor.

I see how she is with you - enamored and floating, so completely unaware. I want to warn her, to expose you as the masked stranger you are - confused and self-obsessed, blind and velvetly convincing. The only reason I don't?

I refuse to be the girl who plays that game.
I refuse to give you the chance to explain and justify yourself.
I refuse to reveal to you who you really are.
I refuse to make self-discovery that easy and painless for you.

I want to see the look on your face when you finally take a long look in the mirror and can't stand what you see.

So go ahead and mime your way through another relationship. Take another heart, take another risk, take another step towards what will surely be yet another damaging collision of reality and fantasy.

Take another step back from me.

I see through you. I see through your thinly veiled apologies and smiling betrayals.
We're not friends. We're not okay.

I am. But we're not.
_

Baby, You're No Good

I'm staring - why can't I stop staring?! Even as I type this, I'm still staring out the window. Seriously, what is MY problem?! I threw myself in the shower this morning in hopes of waking myself up and preparing for the day, but I kid you not - I got in the shower, got out of the shower and could have gone back to bed for another 24 hours. Wow, having no life is exhausting.

I've got my first mid-term tonight - film. Ugh. I'm so unprepared it's not even funny. I'm tempted to use the 13yr old excuse "When am I ever going to need to know that Orson Welles' swollen-fingered direction of "Citizen Kane" is a mirror of the two-thumbed direction of our own society!?".

Tonight in class we're watching "The Darjeeling Limited" which sounds good except for the whole watching "The Darjeeling Limited" part. Seriously - just MAKING the movie made Owen Wilson slit his wrists - what chance do I have of sitting through the finished product?! I'm hoping - no - PRAYING that I go into anaphylactic shock and end up seizuring down the aisles and straight out the door to my car.

What? A girl can dream.
_

I Don't Think You Can Handle This

Where did the weekend go? All I remember is a frenzy of moving - unpacked boxes, bed frames, bruised shins, suitcases, Lysol Wipes and laundry baskets. Oh, and a haircut. Oy.

Monday has descended upon me like a giant fist, squashing me into the ground like a cartoon character as I try to frantically waddle to safety. Dramatic? I'd say so. I've got so much work to do before month end (tomorrow) that it seems a little hopeless. Yet, I perservere.

I finally announced the first meeting of "Every Avenue" - Thursday, Oct 9th. Wow. I started thinking of holding a youth prayer/worship night back in Ireland and now it's actually coming to fruition. So scary and so exciting. And so much responsibility.

I'm trying so hard to plan a road trip to Medicine Hat before it snows - the girls are desperate to go but getting us all together and co-ordinated is quite the chore. We'll see how it goes but I've got a pregnant sister to visit! Becks, I'm on my way!
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I Can Feel You Breathe

My laptop arrives today. I know you don't care, but I so do. I also managed to set up the wireless internet in our house (despite the doubts of certain co-workers who thought I'd never manage it) so as soon as I get the laptop all configured and stuff, I'll totally have the ability to use it at home. Why am I determined to give you all these details? Lord knows.

I'm also chopping my hair off tonight. I made an appointment on a whim and have decided to cut about 4 inches off and layer it. You also don't care about this. But it's okay. These are the details of my life. Deal.

Oh Lord in heaven! My laptop arrived while I was writing this post. It's so beautiful. Next time I update, it'll be from my gorgeous new laptop. Oh relax - I know you're on the edge of your seats but just calm down.
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Move Your Body

I need to start moving. Why can't I get motivated? I think I have an irrational fear that I'll start the moving process and then lose momentum half way in and end up like those fools with one foot on the dock, one foot in the boat and a widening gap between their legs. In other words, I don't want to end up with half my stuff at the house, half still in the apartment and no energy to rectify the situation.

Muss moves out on Friday - another reason I'm in a panic to move. I can't fathom being in the apartment alone. I love my alone time, don't get me wrong - I just can't imagine all her stuff gone and me sitting in the living room alone - unable to make supper because all the dishes belong to her and she took them to Strasbourg.

Guess we'll see how it goes.
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King of Wishful Thinking

(Please excuse the terrible formatting of this post - for some reason posting a photo makes it impossible to format)
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I bought a laptop this morning. It looks exactly like the one on the left. Yes, it's purple. No I'm not gay. I've just never seen someone with a purple laptop and I'll be an individual if it KILLS me.
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University is rocking my world. I just thought you'd like to know.
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For some reason I've developed a crazy-ass habit of laughing hysterically when I commit a traffic related faux-pas. I have no idea why - it's not like I enjoy cutting people off or making them mad, but when I see the rage on their face after I've signalled my apology, it makes me CACKLE. Honestly, if you were to hear it you'd be scared because it's an evil, self-indulgent laugh. And it's hysterical. I can't stop myself once I start. How did this happen?!
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Anyways, this weekend we're helping Meredith paint her new house (the inside, not outside) and we're pretty stoked. She has promised us beer, chinese food and good times. I will be holding her to it.
_

I Wish I Had A River I Could Skate Away On

I'm going laptop shopping tomorrow. I'm pretty stoked even though I know as soon as I pass through the automatic doors, the nerdy ears of the GeekSquad at FutureShop will prick up - "*sniff* Jeremy ... do you smell that?" (Jeremy sniffs the air) "Yeah dude ... smells like ... like ... inexperience ... vulnerability and ... is that ? Yeah man, I smell a sucker". They can spot me a mile away. However, I am not what they suspect - yes, I am vulnerable, inexperienced and bringing a friend who is distracted by shiny/sparkly/pink things - BUT, I am NOT "Daddy's-little-princess-walking-around-clueless-with-his-MasterCard-and-a-slight-air-of-undeserved-entitlement-and-superiority-wondering-aloud-if-they-have-any-Pink-Mac's-left-in-stock".

I may be clueless. I may be a sucker. But RICH I am not. You can't get blood from a stone, fellas. That's right, go on ahead and move on to Princess Peach while I search for something functioning under $900.

That's my strategy. I wonder how that's gonna work for me ...

_

Hittin' The Books

School starts tomorrow - my first University class in ... wow, over 3 years. I am so nervous but also really really excited. It will be so fantastic to get into my head again. I am so sick of all the drama and noise that's been around me lately - I just want no part of it. I want to be in school - removed from it all - I want to have the excuse "Sorry, too much homework" whenever someone calls and wants to waste my time with problems I can't fix. Sorry, I know that sounds mean but I'm tired of being woken up at all hours with all sorts of problems. I love my friends and I will ALWAYS be there when they need me - but seriously? Sometimes I just want to shout "Can't this wait til morning?!".

Anyways ...

I'm excited. And pondering a move to Strasbourg? Today will be the day I decide ... Lord, help! This could be one very big adventure!

_

It Had To Be You

I'd like it if he were tan, all year 'round - you know, one of those aggravatingly gorgeous men who has skin just brown enough to look sexy and not at all like leather.

But that doesn't really matter when it comes to the man I want to end up with. These things do:

He'll be charismatic, the kind of confident that spills out of his laugh lines and messy brown hair. He'll be independent, someone who doesn't NEED me, but WANTS me. He'll never tell me he can't live without me, but I'll just know he doesn't want to have to. He'll see me as more than a friend and all around kick ass woman, he'll see what I don't show - my talents, fears, desires and dreams - he won't be afraid to look right at me and tell me I'm okay, just as I am. He'll argue with me, passionately, both of us sure we're right. He'll be smart enough that every once in a while, I'll give in and agree that he is indeed right.

He'll be passionate about something other than me and God - an instrument, a hobby, a vision for something bigger than him, bigger than us, something that broadens our view. He'll make easy conversation with just about everyone, always finding that common denominator to make others feel at ease. People that cross his path will feel his heavy presence, loaded with empathy and urgency - a real man among men. He'll laugh with me and at me and he'll do it often. He'll enjoy his life before and after me - not waiting for me to come along and complete the equation, but delighted that I've enhanced his enjoyment of things. He'll be a man of integrity and strong morals - unwavering and uncompromising - he'll fight for what's right.

He'll stick around forever, because he WANTS to and not because he should. He'll love me fiercely, passionately and consistently and he'll never make promises he doesn't intend to keep.

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Faces Of Waste

I've been places where the end of the rainbow gets lost in the bustle
And children are neither cherished or forgiven
I've seen lights so bright they expose secrets
So deep and so hidden, hands recoil

I've looked upon beauty with mild amusement
As it's manipulated into art
And wondered aloud if anyone hears me
When I ask how the hell to get out of this place

I've hated the hated and been lost with the lost
Myself and some stragglers
More in common than booze and regret
A kind of hidden facet of myself explored in another

And I've loved like a child, reckless and wild
Foolish and ever so blindly assuming
Confident and terrified, uncertain and messy
Because I'm neither cherished or forgiven

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You Make The Rockin' World Go 'Round

They slashed my tire. MY tire. I am so nice to pretty much everyone - who the heck would want to inconvenience me in this fashion? Wait ... oh yeah ... WE LIVE IN A HOVEL. Our neighbourhood is just so ghetto. Meredith and I were both startled by a gunshot in our back alley last night and then this morning, welcome to riding the rim down Lewvan. Geez.

So it's Thursday and I swear, the "powers that be" are trying to ruin my favourite day! By the way - wanna know who your real friends are? Get a wicked flat tire at 8am and see who offers/comes to get you. The people who don't respond to your texts/calls? Not worth your time. But the friends that leave work (even though they only just got there) and the ones with stomach flu who offer to come get you despite all the throwing up - THEY are the true friends. My girls.

So now I've got to buy a new tire. Just a reminder folks - that car isn't mine - it's my sister's. And she will flay me where I stand if I don't get that shit fixed and QUICK. So that's how I'm spending my evening. Hooray. Anyways, things had better shape up or I'm going to lose it.

Hope your day is better than mine.

_

Home

I want to give you dreams and visions.

I want to light up your life.

I want to make things better than they've ever been before.

I want to heal you.

I want to love you and show you how to love.

I want to make you whole.

Not again, but for the first time.

I want to prove Myself to you.

I want to be trusted by you.

I want to be all the things you beg Me to be.

I want you to let Me.

You Know Who You Are ...

For all the ways I'm known by you
And all the ways I know you

For all the times you've stood by me
And all the times I'll stand for you

For every way you affect my heart
And every way I'm blessed by you

For every desperate midnight phone call
And every tearful lunch

For every scandalous, painful story
And your effortless defense of me

For hysterical laughter in wild abandon
And joy in the same old songs

For every moment I thought I'd never heal
And your every promise that I would

For every hug that meant more than words
And every word that softened my heart

For every blessed future imagined
And every filthy past forgotten

For every way you've helped me settle
And all the time spent breaking down walls

For every single one of my girls
In every way I love you.

God, Help Me

Two posts in one day - this MUST be important. I just heard this song on the radio ... I'm so glad today's youth are listening to this trash:

So Hot - Kid Rock

You got a body like the devil and you smell like sex
I can tell you're trouble but I'm still obsessed
Because you know you're

SO HOT
I wanna get you alone
SO HOT
I wanna get you stoned
SO HOT
I dont wanna be your friend
I wanna xxxx you like I'm never gonna see you again

You're like the kiss of death, like the hand of faith
I can tell you're trouble but I still wanna taste


Lord, help our youth...

I'm Holdin' Out For A Hero!

Hellboy 2 - terrible ass movie. Don't waste your time or money.

Moving on: What is with the weather lately!? I don't get it. It's the middle of July - it's supposed to be smokin' hot but it's overcast and grey and rainy. I don't understand it. Not that I mind - but a little bit of sun would be nice.

I think I'm crazy. Really I do. I got so excited while I was in Wal-Mart yesterday cause I found the coolest present for my little "nephew" Duncan. It's one of those big plastic balls that you inflate and then climb into and you can roll around inside the ball! Like a little hamster ball but for kids! And get this: the ball has arm, leg and head holes so you can wear it like a suit and walk around! Seriously ... I was thisclose to getting it for little Dunkers but he's still too young. And Becky might kill me.

I wish they made those for adults.

Cold Hard Bitch

Oh, the weekend. Allow me to swoon: I stayed home all weekend. Well, pretty much. Friday night was Church night (but that'll be stopping henceforth so Friday nights will be free once again!) and then excessive Scrubs watching with Muss! Then Saturday rolled around and rocked my world! I ran some errands and then hung out with Shayne. Okay - so maybe that particular event didn't rock my world. It was hard to see him and spend time with him - it was probably too soon. We still have the same physical chemistry and inclinations as we always did so it was weird to try and ignore that and just be friendly. I felt bad though - I'm sure he was hoping for more reconciliation talk but all I could say was: Get over me so God can work in/through you. Yeah, yeah. "Cold Hard Bitch" by Jet is playing through my mind right now.

So, score 1 for the guys at work - so far, you can't be friends with your ex.

Next - I went for dinner with my ladies and then to Mel's house to play "Catch Phrase". Seriously, I rock at this game. I ROCK at it. It should be a sport cause I'd medal in it for sure. At least silver, but probably gold. Recognize.

And that brings us to yesterday - or as I like to call it "Reconciliation Sunday". House Church was at Mandy and Shawn's and Lord, was I blessed! Such great worship and such a good word from Shawn. "Boy I'm Angry At" was there and was going through some stuff - it was hard to watch because I care about him so much and could see how hard it was for him to receive some of the words being spoken over him. I'm so glad others care about him enough to speak into the messed up areas of his life. He talked to me last night and claims he's in a better place now and wants to resume our friendship - I'm reserving judgement on his stability and keeping my distance. Can't help but hope against hope he means it ...

That's all! I've got a crazy week ahead (I get to see Taryn, Tasha, Mandy, Becky, "Boy I'm Angry At" and of course, my girls) so who knows when the next update will come. Stay tuned.

You've Got Me Feelin' Emotions

It's thundering like crazy right now. I love storms. I think every girl says that though - I don't know many girls that are like "Naw, storms are gay - I like when it's still and quiet outside all the time".

I had an ill-advised discussion with my boss and co-worker today about men/women and their friendships. I'm determined that Shayne and I will be friends despite our breakup. They keep telling me it's never gonna happen and the only way he'll be friends with me is if he thinks we'll end up together ... I don't like this idea. I want to be friends.

Is it possible?

Are You Gonna Be My Girl?

Whew. Hope I didn't scare anyone with my last post. Obviously, I've got some stuff going on at the moment and it's made me a little "on edge". Sorry about that. But, it's over now - and now …

Thank God For These Things Thursday

1) My bed - I know, I've posted a lot about my bed in the past but seriously … it's so epic. I got the best sleep I've had in a long time last night.

2) Muss - She cooked for me when I got home yesterday cause she knew I was having a bad day. I'm so thankful that my roommate/best friend understands that carbs ALWAYS put me in a better mood.

3) Books - Sounds lame, but go with me on this one. I've been going thru a literary dry spell as of late and I think I've finally snapped out of it! I just finished "The Time Traveller's Wife" (so, so, SO good) and I can't wait to get my hands on "The Lovely Bones". Oh God, I'm falling in love with books again.

4) Air Conditioning - The sound of our AC lulls me to sleep at night. I appreciate the cool atmosphere in my room.

5) My body - It is by no means perfect and yes, I could stand to lose a few pounds but God help me, I love my body today. It's got curves in flattering places and my skin is fairly soft and my boobs haven't gone totally south yet - so I appreciate the way my body is holding up. I have a woman's body.

6) Driving - I've always loved driving and I happen to know that I am a great driver. I really am. After driving for 5 years, I still like it. Sometimes I drive around aimlessly, listening to music and drinking a slurpee.

7) Kiki - She's so encouraging and never makes me feel like a dumb-ass for falling into a trap she warned me about. She just gives me a hug, prays it through with me and reminds me that we all make mistakes. Some more than others.

Wake Up

I would just like to say, this song perfectly describes my life right now:

Take A Bow - Rihanna

You look so dumb right now,
Standin' outside my house,
Tryin' to apologize,
You’re so ugly when you cry,
Please, just cut it out.

Talkin’ 'bout girl,
I love you, you’re the one,
This just looks like a re-run,
Please, what else is on.

And don’t tell me you’re sorry 'cause you’re not
When I know you're only sorry you got caught
And the award for the best liar goes to you

Oh yes, it's angry. And so am I. I find it absolutely astonishing how some people behave. How can someone justify treating another person (a FRIEND, even) with such utter disregard and then have the gall to blame it on God?! "I'm just in a bad place right now/I need healing/God's working on my heart". Don't do that - don't you dare bring God into it. If you can't behave in a way that brings glory to God, don't you dare use His name to justify your behaviour.

I give a lot of grace to my friends. I've been given a lot of second chances and I feel it's only appropriate to give others the opportunity to make good. But I got duped this time. Again. Sorry guys - I need a second. Just allow me to do something important:

I trusted you - I gave you second, third, fourth, thousandth chances and each time I actually believed with everything in me that you would pull through - that you'd shape up. But the sad thing is - you never did. You played me and I hate you for it. I hate that I let you get so close, I hate that I let you know me, I hate that you read me so easily now - I hate being known by someone who so obviously doesn't know themselves. And I hate that you made me doubt myself - that you made me second guess my decisions. That you made me naive for a season. Because I'm not stupid, I'm not reckless and I'm not naive. And you know what? You don't know me. Not anymore. Cause you've never seen this side of me - the side that won't let you in anymore, won't let you near me, won't let you have an opinion about my life. The side that chooses ME over YOU. The side that decides to protect myself - because you so obviously aren't going to.

Welcome to the new side of me. Now get the hell out of my life.

For Becky (Jelly Bean)

I love the way you faithfully read my blog.
I promise to faithfully update it more.

I love the way my friends get excited for you the way I do.
I promise to allow them to love you like I do.

I love the way you bring me coffee when I stay at your place.
I promise to cut down on the sugar and cream.

I love the way you and Paul are with each other.
I promise to refuse anything less.

I love the way you love Duncan (and this other Beating Heart).
I promise to love them too.

I love the way you laugh hysterically at my dumb ass stories.
I promise to always create those moments for us.

I love the way you take a bite of my cheeseburger every time.
I promise to never become a vegetarian.

I love the way you let me transition without resenting me.
I promise to always let you do the same.

I love the way you love God. Because I know you do.
I promise to always give you room to express that.

I love you Jelly Bean. My sister. My friend.

We're Still Havin' Fun ...

I think the clouds are lifting - not to be cliche but I do feel as though I've been living under a pretty dark sky these past weeks. My breakup with Shayne coupled with a messy house, messy finances, and even messier emotions = cloudy with a chance of "holy-shit-things-have-GOT-to-get-better".

I had a spectacular weekend though! I slept a TONNE, started reading The Time Traveller's Wife (be still my beating heart, I've fallen in love with another book) and did laundry. I know - riveting. But what seems common-place to you is pretty much epic to me. I never have time to do the "mundane" things other people take for granted (grocery shopping, watching t.v., cooking, getting BORED) so when the opportunity presents itself - let's just say I'm all about it. Now that I mention it - I can't remember the last time I was bored. Oh man ... this life is making me crazy.

I had a scary moment last week. I was sitting quietly in my room drinking freezing cold red wine (apparently, not the way to go) and I had a thought. I pondered the crazy way my life has been going lately and how I've had no time to myself and then I had an idea: "I wish I could just check myself into the psych ward for a couple days just so I can get some rest". DING DING DING. Those would be alarm bells. Going off. In my crazy ass head.

So, welcome to my relaxing new life. I've still got a jam-packed 2 weeks ahead of me but I'm getting more rest and staying home more. God, I love having no money - it's such a great excuse to do nothing. Anyways - has anyone else ever had the thoughts I had?

Because It's More Than Just A Word

I am love - throw me around like a casual Sunday
Give me away and steal me like candy
I'll push you, pull you, make and break you
You let me get so close - and you don't even know me

You let me define you and crawl up inside you
I'm feeding on feelings you think you understand
But you're mistaken, good friend, you know nothing at all
Not love, just lust or affection in a convincing mask

Use my name, lure those around you in
People love to hear my name in the same sentence as theirs
But before you know it, I've left you
Because I was never with you to begin with

You're angry now, like I masqueraded to hurt you
But you clothed me, you diguised me, you created me
And while you were busy being enchanted and misguided
I slipped from your broken hands without even moving.

You Know You're Right

I've clearly been listening to too much Nirvana (is there such a thing?!). It's Friday (for those of you without a calendar) and that means one thing to me - a weekend full of questions and more questions - hopefully I can fit in a tan!! But seriously, this is probably going to be a difficult weekend in general. Shayne and I go to the same church so I'll be seeing him on Sunday - which I must admit, I'm dreading. I want to see him - to clear the air - but I know it's hard for him (and me) to interact at the moment. I feel like we're locked in a custody battle over friends and church - even though both of us are above that sort of thing. I just don't want to make things even harder for him - seeing as I'm walking around with all this guilt anyways, what's a little more?

Aside from that, I plan to delve into the epic love that is Pearl Jam and hopefully see some folks I've been neglecting lately. If your plans are better than mine (no doubt, they probably are) feel free to brag.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

First of all - Shayne and I broke up or are taking a break or whatever - I haven't talked to him in a while so I don't know where we stand. That's going to make things this summer really awkward as we rsvp'd to 3 weddings together. So, I'm sad and I'm dealing with it and I really don't want to talk about it anymore, ok? Ok.

Aside from that, work and life are still the same. I am never home anymore (what is WITH these seasons I go through of never being home?!) so I miss my bunny like crazy - but apparently Muss is taking good care of her. This is shaping up to be a busy weekend - one of my friends is turning 27 in just under a month and I made him decide to do 27 things he's never done before his birthday. So making that list was good times - most of the things involve making him look like a total clown while I take pictures. Woohoo! Happy Birthday to him!

School is starting in a couple months and I couldn't feel more unprepared. I don't have the money, supplies or time at the moment - as scary as that is. So, I'm working on removing some of the clutter in my life to make more room for all the time part-time school is going to take up. I hope my friends understand that being a hermit is totally "in" cause they're never gonna see me.

I miss Tina like crazy - she's decided to stay in England until December (at the earliest) so that's another long season without her. She's been really supportive during my break-up with Shayne, so that makes me miss her more.

Oh, and Muss is a douche cause she never updates her blog.

The end.

It's Friday Night and I Just, Just, Just, Just, JUUUUST ... GOT PAID! (money money money money)

It's here! AGAIN! So soon, my love? The weekend is here again and I'm practically convulsing. I can't wait to sleep in tomorrow after last night's drama. (*Read: 3 masked gunmen bursting into our drug dealing neighbour's apartment, dragging him outside and kidnapping him - followed by 5 cops - only one of which was fun* And no, I'm not kidding.)

My plans for the weekend include making a care package (very overdue!) for my sister, burning a couple c.d's and spending some great time with God and other loved ones. I stayed at Shayne's last night to avoid the terror of sleeping in our building - he woke me up at 4:30am saying "The phone's ringing …" It wasn't - he was dreaming. Needless to say, I could use a good night's rest.

Aside from that, I'll try to get my ass to the gym! Anyone else have any cool plans?

I've Got A Friend Who Loves Me ...

A weekend of new faces! On Friday night I had a "girls night" with the beautiful and talented Meredith and Lisa. I love those girls. Anyways, we went to dinner and then to see "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" (so so so good). I was standing in line just about to buy my tickets when I heard my man's hilarious laughter from the back of the line. I turned to see him, Damian (familiar face from Ireland) and some other boys that I had never met. Eventually I got to meet them and they were ALL from Ireland and were ALL lovely. Seriously. Shayne has excellent taste in friends. (So do I, by the way - my girls are second to none!).

THEN, Saturday night was mine (and Shayne's!) friend Jordan's birthday. So we went to a little dinner party at Brewsters. I finally got to meet Aaron - one of Shayne's good friends who I've been excited to meet for month. He too was lovely and friendly and made me feel very comfortable.

So I must say, nothin'-but-net on the meeting Shayne's friends thing.

Aside from that, the only exciting news is this: I have no plans. This whole week AND weekend until Holiday Monday, I have made absolutely no plans. This is beautiful. This is rare. This is not going to last long. But I shall enjoy it while it lasts -- nights at home with Prison Break, Scrubs, 3 channels and a roommate who rocks my world?

Here I come.

Walk Like An Egyptian

The weekend was all too short and ill-spent. Don't get me wrong, I saw great friends and had a lovely time but spent far too much money and have nothing to show for it.

Aside from clean laundry. I have clean laundry.

My sister called yesterday and I felt a little grieved by the reminder that she's so far away. Most of the time I'm fine with her being gone but every once in a while I pine for her. I hope she's happy-ish.

Kiki got a new job and started it today! I'm really excited for her to be done at Sangsters - she deserves a nice boss who treats her well. One downfall : What the hell kind of cool stuff can she score me from Old Fashioned Foods?! What do they even have?! Sounds like a lot of nuts and vitamins to me.

Tonight we're having a BBQ for Shealagh's birthday! She turned 21 last week but was working all weekend so we couldn't celebrate. We're having the BBQ in Wascana Park which I've only done once so I'm stoked to experience it again. The guest of honour will be : Death By Chocolate. Dozens of canker sores and thousands of calories - HERE I COME!

I've concluded that "horse's-ass" is a tragically under-used insult.

Shiny Pink Fingerprints

I was putting eye makeup on this morning using my finger and it looked like my finger was sparkly and pink. I kinda wish it was.

I'm lucky that I have so much love in my life that I find it hard to juggle my loved ones. A lot of people find it hard to fill their days - I find it hard to empty mine. It's a mixed blessing. But more blessing than curse.

Shayne shaved off all his facial hair just to show me how it would look - I hate it. I can't kiss him cause he looks 5.

I love bed so much that sometimes I think a coma would be a dream come true. But the problem is, I wouldn't be in the mental state to appreciate all the time I was getting to spend asleep. That - and bedsores.

When I drive and I'm expecting a call, I leave my phone on vibrate and rest it against my chin until it vibrates. I have no idea why.

The people in my office are bitter and against marriage - I still want to get married. Just not to them.

I've learned that knowing Shayne will make an excellent father far outweighs his knowledge of current events. Which, just between us, is a damn good thing.

My haircut only cost me $13 but it's two different lengths. I can't decide if the price makes up for the fact that the left side is longer than the right.

I'm addicted to http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

It Holds Me Together

My hands are sticky. May I share why? I put glue on them. May I share why? Because I like it.

That's why.

Ever since I was little I've LOVED pouring Elmer's Glue all over my hands, waiting for it to dry and then peeling it off. This has progressed and continued into my professional life. I now smear envelope sealer on my finger tips and palms and peel it off. The best part? It takes forever to dry. In a word? Bliss.

Does anyone else do this?

Snippets That Make Conversations

Important Things I've Heard Lately:

1) I'm proud of you (Mama)

2) I love you Baby J (Tina)

3) I think you're right (Gary)

4) You can do it Jen - of course you can. (Shayne)

5) We'll make it happen, don't worry. (Kiki)

6) We are pleased to welcome you to the Faculty of Social Work ... (U of R)

So far, 2008 is rocking my world.

Can't Stop This Thing We Started

Some things have been on my mind and I'm assuming more will pop up as I write these ones down.

- At least once a day my boss asks me if I'm coherent before he starts explaining something to me. My 3 month review is at the end of this month. I wonder if I'll be coherent for all of that.

- I worry that I'm not the woman Shayne thinks I am. He sees all the best in me and sometimes I think to myself "I can't live up to this woman you see in me".

- Every time I read Kristy's blog it makes me want to write again. I wish I could write in a way that inspires others to sit down and pen random thoughts.

- I never want to live a life where I don't enjoy driving around late at night listening to alternative rock from the 90's.

- When I have kids and they move away from home, I will call them at least once a week. I never want my kids to miss me the way I miss my Mom.

- I like going to the gym because it's still a luxury. It's still "me time".

- Sometimes I think my farts are unnaturally loud.

- I wish I could be in a reproduction of Hairspray - I would only accept the role of Tracey.

Good For Nothing Tuesday

Some Things I Hate:

1) People who drive 40km/h in the passing lane
2) Line-ups at the McDonalds drive thru the ONE TIME I need a chocolate milk shake
3) Getting my milkshake only to discover some ass clown made it half strawberry, half chocolate
4) People with no telephone manner (I answer and get "Tryg" and that's it. Not "Can I speak to Tryg" or "Is Tryg there" just his name. So I've taken to responding with "No, this is Jen" Gets 'em every time.
5) The sound of LoudGuy's voice (my co-worker)
6) Facebook Application requests
7) People who take artsy photos of themselves and then try to convince everyone that they're NOT vain, the photo just came out like that
8) The overuse of the term "You had me at hello"
9) The feel of chalk on my skin
10) Sticky keyboards

If I Had No Money Honey ...

I've spent my morning hard at work (read: diving into MSN's Money & You artcle archives) learning about money - how/why/where we spend it. I have to admit, a self professed mis-manager of all things money related, I'm impressed. Normally an article about money would have me running for the hills (or devoting another 3.5 hrs to the miniclip.com website) but these articles were truly inspiring. One woman lives frugally and makes it work on $12,000 per annum. Confession: I make over $20,000 a year and even that doesn't seem like enough. Oh yeah, she's also 48 with a grown up daughter knee deep in wedding plans.

Recently I opened a Savings account - and promptly deposited $100 into it. Boy was I proud! It's still there - don't worry, I just checked. And next Friday, my bank will automatically transfer another $100 into Savings - lather, rinse and repeat for the next 11 months. Whoa - hang on. Am I on the road to financial stability? Weird ...

I've always wanted a Savings account but was never in the financial place to have on. Buried under credit card debt, I was lucky to pay the minimum payment on my Visa every month - at 24.5% interest, the struggle is understandable. Recently, I received a letter from my bank - I didn't open it right away because letters from financial institutions always scare me but when I eventually read the letter it said this: Due to consistent payment made by the due date, as of April 8th 2008, your interest rate will DECREASE by 5%.

NO. WAY.

Never have I received a positive letter from my bank. I'm sure the person typing it had tears in his eyes too. What a lovely affirmation. Within the next 3 months, I will have a $0 credit card balance, at least $700 in Savings (God willing) and fully paid bills.

Today, life is good.

Rumblings and Goings-On

They have a court date tomorrow. Our drug dealing, door slamming, pot smoking neighbours, that is. While Muss and I can't afford the time off work to go down there and heckle, we're delighted (once again) at the prospect of them losing their apartment. Is that mean? No ... no one likes mini-bike riding drug dealers. At least not in Canada.

Tina comes home for a visit in less than two weeks!! Thinking of how close she'll be (if only for a while) makes me really happy. And a little sad cause I know she'll have to go back to England eventually. Did I mention that? My sister lives in England with my Mom and I miss her desperately.

The song "I Am Colour Blind" just came on - I haven't listened to this song since highschool - which was an alarming 6 years ago. This realization comes on the tail of a somewhat disturbing dream I had last night. I was reunited with a couple guys from my graduating class and we were shooting the proverbial breeze. In the end, one of them was promising to save me because a girl I used to work with had gone on a shooting spree. Are my daily worries manifesting themselves via violence in my dreams? This is the second time I've had a dream about being shot/shot at in the last few days. This may be cause for concern ...

How I'm Feeling Today

A Little About Me

Full Name: Jennifer Leanne Gibson

Hometown: Medicine Hat, AB

Height: 5'5

Hair Color: Brownish ...

Eye Color: Dark brown


This or That

Coke/Pepsi: Coke please.

Cats/Dogs: Dogs!

BK/McD's: BK at the moment.

Paper/Plastic: Paper

Britney/Christina: Britney - believe it or not.


What's Your Dream...

Car: A Saturn Sky - in black.

Profession: Singer/guitar player, youth worker

Place: Jamaica, Mexico

Date: Mostly anything fun with Shayne

Paradise: Paradise would be ... happiness. Total happiness.


The Last Person To...

Say I Love You: Tasha texted me that today - but to say it? Shayne.

Hug You: Shayne

Kiss You: Shayne

Say Goodbye: Kiki

Text You: Muss


The Last Time You...

Cried: Last night

Laughed: This morning

Showered: Yesterday

Ate: 10 mins ago

Watched Cartoons: This weekend

Out Of The Seed Of Passion, A Vision Is Sown

I'm scattered and a little distracted these days. I'm trying desperately to decide what I want to do with my life, how I want to spend my time and, what God requires of me to achieve these goals. I really want to go to school and so far, Medicine Hat is looking like my best option, but there's so much involved with that - moving, leaving my new (and awesome!) job, and of course, being away from the people I love. I'm praying for clarity and wisdom - and rational thought. I tend to make big decisions on a whim just to get them over with and I gotta say - that's never worked out well for me in the past.

I think I'm going to start praying for passion - because I really do believe that God's sows a vision out of a seed of passion. I need a more passionate life.

More Than Prayerful,
Jen

Education At The Library

Andrea, Kiki and I went to see "Darfur Now" at the RPL this weekend. It was pretty amazing. I've always had a heart for Darfur, so it was awesome to see other people trying to do something for the cause. If you don't already respect Don Cheadle, George Clooney, and Governor Arnold you will after seeing this documentary. However, be prepared to despise the UN and the members of the Sudanese government who not only deny that what is occurring is genocide, they also HIRED and FUNDED (along with the US and China) the Janjaweed - the perpetrators of the atrocities in Darfur.

The documentary itself was heartbreaking and uplifting. I was enraged at the audacity of the UN, who refuses to acknowledge the genocide (props to the US for naming it so). While providing tonnes of food to refugee camps, the US makes sure to proudly mark their food bags with an American flag - that's right, make sure they know who to thank when it's all over. This display only feeds the dreams of the countless refugees who stated confidently to the cameras "The white men will come and save us. They will defend us" - we all know the truth is much more bleak. We're too busy pissing away millions of dollars and thousands of lives in Iraq - a war the US was arrogant enough to start and is now too proud to leave.

All I can say is thank God for the ending because the first hour or so was depressing. Reality usually is. But don't fret, the documentary doesn't portray Darfur as a "lost cause" but it does place the responsibility on our shoulders to take a stand for those who can't. To quote Don Cheadle "I don't know what we can do - but a lot more than nothing".

This weekend I think I might grab some friends and try and check out the Sunday double feature: "Lars and the Real Girl" (can't wait!) and "I'm Not There" (curiosity regarding a cross dressing Cate Blanchett). I'll let you know how that goes. In the mean time, start thinking of ways YOU can support the end to violence in Darfur.

More Than Wishing I Could Be In Darfur,
Jen

If You Step Up, I'll Step Up Boy

Oh the battle has ended. It was bloody, and hilarious. It was bloody hilarious. I prevailed and brought not one, not two but 4 FRIENDS with me to Step Up 2 THE STREETS! Oh my Lord. It was awful. The dancing was amazing though - I'll give it that. But aside from that, I spent the whole movie wheezing and laughing hysterically with Muss. We sang, we chair danced and we most definitely annoyed the people in front of us.

It was pretty much abysmal. Pretty much. But the below music video is a comprehensive review of the amazing dance moves - check it out. There's no "acting" so you won't laugh as much as we did, but it's still cool.



More Than Dancing In My Chair,
Jen

The Art Of Showering

I don't understand it. I simply can't wrap my mind around it. Why? Why does it always happen? It seems that every morning, 7 days a week, when I get up to have a shower, every single other person in the building has synchronized their shower time! I mean it! You're probably reading this thinking "Oh that Jen, she's just exaggerating - it can't be that bad!" Allow me to correct you, my friend. I can't think of the last time I had a shower that didn't involve squealing and screaming when the hot water would deplete to nothingness with absolutely NO warning. This morning was especially delightful as I was running late and just as I turned on the shower, so did Not-So-Hot-Doctor above me. For some reason, his need for hot water trumps my own and my shower turned to ice. Immediately.

So, the only logical thing for me to do was step out of the shower (read: throw myself through the shower curtain, on to the gripless bathroom mat and subsequently smash my body into the towel-less towel rack) and turn off all the cold water in hopes that some hot water will remain. I ended up with luke warm water (running only the hot tap) for about 35 seconds (just long enough to get shampoo in my eyes) until Not-So-Hot-Doctor decided he'd had enough and turned off his shower. Suddenly, what was luke warm turned scalding hot and what used to be skin, turned immediately to jerky.

I hate our shower. My hair is frizzy and my whole body hurts from hurtling out of the shower for the second time, only to find that my last exodus from the tub had left a menacing puddle on the floor where I happened to step. Awesome. Bruised, frizzy and traumatized from bathing.

So next time you take a shower, remember how lucky you are to have consistent hot water.

More than Frazzled,
Jen

I Love This Man

Okay, caution : This post will be shamelessly lovey dovey. Just so you know. You can't complain and make fun of me now because I warned you.

Last night Shayne called me and had made a difficult decision - I'm not the easiest person to stand up to (so I've heard), so it must have been difficult for him to know he was going to disappoint me. I'm not going to go into details because there's certain things that don't belong in the blog-o-sphere, but trust me - this was a difficult conversation for us to have. The basic idea is Shayne decided that to honour me and put me first in the way that he wants to - some things in our relationship need to change. I've never had a guy respect me so much and put me first - so I was totally freaked out. Totally.

Shayne is like ... this perfect, awesome guy that every girl would love to be with. He opens my car door for me, won't let me pay for anything, buys me flowers constantly, never stops telling me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am and he really, truly wants to show me how much he appreciates me and wants to respect me. Sometimes it causes me to pull away from him because I'm not sure how to let him love me that way.

And some of you will be glad to know (Tina), he takes NO CRAP from me. None. He calls me on all my shit and doesn't let me play games - but he does it in this way that isn't patronizing or obnoxious ... he just loves me and knows me so well already that he feels comfortable exposing all my little issues and loving me through them. It's unsettling being known so well by someone -that kind of vulnerability has never been sought out by me - I don't like being "known" because then I've got no control. And in this relationship, man ... Shayne is way more in control than I am. But I trust him ... I trust that he's leading me somewhere I want to go ... somewhere I need to go. I think I need someone like him to show me how I deserve to be loved. And if anything, these days ... I feel loved.

More than Mushy,
Jen

Music Meets Dancing

The concert was incredible. My favourite part? (Aside from Muss noticing our manly waitress and saying "It's nice to see Hilary Swank is getting some work") When the lead singer played his electric guitar with HIS TONGUE. Oh my Lord. He then also played it with a drum stick. Lord help me - I would kill to be that talented. We weren't allowed to take pictures but I doubt the image will ever leave my mind anyways.

We then decided to rent "Step Up" and Muss bought "Take the Lead". That's right folks - music meets dancing at our apartment tonight. I'll keep you posted on my battle to make someone go see "Step Up 2" or "Meet the Spartans" with me tomorrow.

More Than Going To Prevail,
Jen

Open Windows

It's mid afternoon and I am in the best mood. I've got all of the windows open in our apartment and am loving the smell of melty snow. I think I'll put some tunes on.... Bummer. I hate putting the sattelite radio on in anticipation of some good music and hearing Avril Lavigne wailing at me that I make her so HOT. Ugh.

Today is going to be an awesome day.

Kiki and I are going to the Warhol exhibit at the Gallery and then maybe some light shopping and then .... Wide Mouth Mason!! I'm so excited to go to this concert with Muss! From what I can tell, we got pretty decent seats - not to mention I've never really been to a concert. It will be a cool experience for sure.

This past week at work was pretty awesome - there's tons that I've done wrong and had to go back and fix but nothing major. Best part of my week? Making my boss laugh so hard that he had tears in his eyes. Ah yes ... this is the place for me. Also, I got beautiful Valentine's flowers from Shayne, not to mention a c.d. and a beautiful card. Awww. I know, I'm a dork. Whatever.

I also went on a Shopping Spree that I most definitely could NOT afford. But I got some nice clothes - pictures to come. So I'm trying to push past Buyer's Remorse and just enjoy my new items (that include 3 of the coolest bras known to man). Wow, this post is all about NOTHING. Sorry guys.

Anyways, enjoy this beautiful Saturday - and this long weekend!!! I know I will.

More than Poor From So Much Shopping,

Jen

Valentine's, Teddy Grahams and Other Random Thoughts

So ... it's almost the end of my first week alone at my job. And hey, I still love it. I've managed to complete most of the tasks at least ONCE without error and sometimes, without questions! The guys at my job have been so helpful and surprisingly tolerant of my simple questions. I'd be lost without these lads. Just thought I'd update you. Tomorrow is my first payday from this job - it's the same amount of money for only 7 days work at 14 days at any of my other jobs. I can't wait until I get a paycheque for a full two weeks.

I have recently re-discovered Teddy Grahams. Lord, the joy these little guys have brought to my life over the years. I am eating them now and I am blissed out because of it.


Today is Valentines and I am considerably more excited about it than I was last year. I think it's because I have Shayne but also because I'm not in Dublin. That always helps. I still don't understand the big deal that gets made out of it - but I'm willing to admit I'm excited to spend some time with Shayne today in particular. We've been seeing eachother every couple days lately and it's made me very ... happy. Giddy, almost. We laugh a lot and I spent a good 20 mins last night trying to convince him that I really AM a Kung Fu Master. He laughed really hard and totally didn't believe me. Bastard.

Aside from that, just wanted to wish you guys a Happy Valentine's Day and if you want to know the true, romantic story behind this day - talk to Tasha.

More than Valentine'd,
Jen

American Politics and Brussel Sprouts

I just got off the phone with my sister. Who doesn't love this girl? She's not only a stone cold fox, BUT, she's also wicked smart. We talked about American Politics and finished our conversation with the usual "I love you's" while Tina chowed down brussel sprouts. WILLINGLY. We both are amused that we know more about U.S. politics than Canadian. Although, I suppose I'd be a lot more interested in Canada's government if it was as fraught with scandal and mis-management as the U.S. is.

I have started a new job since I last posted. I've been there all of 7 days and I'm already nervous and dreaming about it every night. The past week has been dedicated to training - but seriously, there's so much to know that I could have used another month. At least. I was telling Tina, this is the first job I've ever had that I feel uses ALL of my brain and training. It's not mindless in any way and that's terrifying to me. I just don't want to mess this up - the benefits and pay are outstanding but there's so much responsibility. Like Tina said, I think I really will be earning every penny I make.

Aside from my new job, there's not much else going on. Our apartment finally feels complete with the hand-me-down dresser (for my room!) and loveseat we had given to us. It's warmer and homier - so we both love that. It's still an unsightly mess but that's to be expected. We should be used to it by now.

I'm toying with the idea of heading to England for a couple weeks this summer ... not sure if I'll be able to afford it or if it's even a good idea given how new I am at my job ... but we'll see. Hopefully I can make it work cause I miss my girls!!

More than Flu-Like,
Jen