I'm sitting here trying to figure out why it is I want to WRITE. Out of all the things I could choose to do with my life, predominantly, my heart wants to write. But why? Ever since I was little, I've wanted to be a writer. Most 12 year olds go through that phase after reading the likes of "Harriet the Spy" or even "The Babysitter's Club", they want to write for the adventure of it - to pen the stories that hold them captive on Saturday afternoons, or holed up in their rooms after school. For me, reading was dangerous. If I had a book near me, I wouldn't study or do my homework or even come out to play. I NEEDED to finish whatever book I was in the middle of. And even if it wasn't any good - I wouldn't put it down til it was done - because what if it's just about to get good? The words, the stories, they captured me, and still do to this day.

So, I read hundreds of books. Of course I read Robert Munsch, Richard Scarry and all the classics for kids - but I also got into "The Mennyms", "Utopia" and yes, even "Hans Christian Anderson - a Biography". Back then I wasn't worried about reading something entertaining or even enlightening. I wanted to soak up every single book around me because in my heart - these people who wrote such brilliant works were my colleagues, my friends.

My heart needs to write. I need to spill my thoughts on to paper because, at times, that's the only way I can sort them out. And because I want to help people. I'm 21, and I've seen a lot. I've done much more than most people my age - and sometimes most adults. I lost my childhood - it was wasted on a man who didn't care about me or my family. So I turned to everything that could possibly ease my pain - sex, drugs, alcohol, money etc. And now, years later, I'm healing because I've found the one "thing" that satisfies - I've found Jesus. Cliche YES, but important? Absolutely. I want to write for the One person my heart burns for.

I have a lot to say, about Jesus, about drugs, about being a teenager and what that's like - and people need to hear it, they need to know. And there's something else I need to say when writing about these experiences and where the Lord has brought me - I need to tell girls who have been through what I have that nothing else will ever fit, will ever make you whole or make you feel loved the way Jesus will. He's what's missing, He's that thing you crave, He's why you cry yourself to sleep at night after the drugs, alcohol, sex and money are all gone. He's constant, He's trustworthy, He's not like "them".

I need to write for them, for those girls, and for me. But mostly, I need to write for Jesus.

We finally got the internet at home - I am so stoked! It's been a crazy couple of weeks. Kiki and I aren't working at the moment, so we've been diving into kids ministry like crazy! It's like, God's given us this renewed energy and drive to spend time with these kids. And we've been richly rewarded. We've spent the past 2 days just loving the kids and trying to be consistent - like coming outside to play when we said we would, and remembering their birthdays. This stuff means more to them than we realize. Like, yesterday a girl came to our door who we don't get to see a lot and I say "Oh, hey Sarah! Where have you been?" and she just said "You remembered my name .." It was a great moment for me.

So, lately, it's been all about getting excited to go home - but now I find myself getting excited to come back here in the fall! To see who's gotten taller, who's back from summer vacation, etc. Just to see these kids after not being able to see them for 3 months will be such a blessing. I am so thankful that God is showing me how much I love them and want them to know Him - because, if He didn't, what would be the point of doing what we're doing? I just pray that we make Him proud.

So, it's Monday and I am sitting in this Internet cafe, annoyed, because:

a) I am PAYING to be here when I am supposed to have internet working in my home. I have the computer, I have the little grey box thing, but the service is messed. Ugh.

b) I didn't go to work today because, well, I just didn't feel like it and I feel like I wasted the whole day. I actually left the house at 5:30pm. Yeah, that's right, we got up at 2pm. And it's my last week at my job. I feel lazy and kind of guilty. I achieved nothing today.

c) It's a little too warm in here and I am getting a headache from this crap computer screen from 1885.

d) I am just realizing what I am getting myself into with this whole "Kiki and I are going to a JW church on Sunday to witness to them" thing. Yikes.

So, yes, I am annoyed now. A little. This JW thing on Sunday is a really big deal for me. And to be honest, I am not entirely sure why. I mean, I am all about witnessing to the lost and all that, but this is a pretty big organization we are messing with here. And, at this point in time, I am not so much a fan of confrontation. So much for taking it easy until we go home to Canada.

And what's up with all the young people I know getting engaged?! First Alex, then Destiny, now Jon. Like, I am 21 and don't want to be married for another few years, but these guys just went from grad dresses to wedding dresses! Well, one of them did anways. It worries me, but moreso, it makes me feel very pressured to get my act together. But I don't think, for me, getting my act together constitutes a wedding ring and a metro fiancee. Maybe it does. I don't know.

One last thing, my newest excuse for not going to University? It's bad for my self esteem! It makes me feel stupid when people constantly tell me things I don't already know. How's THAT for logic? Watch out Dr. Phil ...

This is my "I just got back from my Mum's in England and I got my freakin' hair CUT!!!" picture. Sorry it's so grainy but these internet cafe's aren't exactly prime quality ...

Today, Kiki and I went to fabulous Greystones. I can't describe how much I needed this little get away. I haven't been feeling very Christian lately. There's a lot of stuff that is getting in the way of my relationship with God and, as wrong as it is, that's my reality right now. I know that God is calling me to be more humble, more responsible and more mature - but how do I forgo the comfortable to embrace the unknown? I don't know what He has for me, I don't know where He's taking me, all I know is He's moving and (most days) all I want to do is be with Him. It's funny to me that despite all I know about Jesus and the Bible, I am still such a stranger to the truth sometimes. I think God must want to reach down from Heaven and wrap His knuckles on my head. Sometimes I swear I hear Him booming "HELLO! JEN!! Try to catch up ..." Right now I am reading a book called "What's So Amazing About Grace" by Philip Yancey. This man is brilliant. He's shedding a whole new holy light on the gift and responsibility that is grace. I'm reminded so often when reading this remarkable book, that I am slave in many ways to the unforgiveness in my life. I refuse to allow myself to grow or move on from certain relationships/situations that have hurt me - and I need to constantly remind myself - forgiveness doesn't make what the other person did okay or right - it makes ME free. I have shown so little grace to many people in my life - like it's my right to be hurt and angry or something. But it's not ... it's so not. I believe the Lord is calling me to a time of sacrifice - a time where I don't just offer up that which is holy and pleasing, but I offer Him that which is perverted and wrong - whatever it is that is tainting the spirit in me. I have nothing to offer but my life. I can't help but notice what an inadequate offering that is after all He has done for me. I am so blessed.

So, how do you say the words "I couldn't possibly care less" without actually saying them. Because you know, he just keeps talking and I just keep not caring. Not at all. I don't care that you think my neighbourhood is "common" and I don't care that the rioting made it hard for you to get a bus home from your fencing tournament. I just don't care. There's so much going on in this world and you can't stop talking about yourself. You must really love the sound of your own voice. I DON'T. I don't like the sound of your voice and I especially don't like the way you chew your gum. In fact I despise it. It makes me want to hurt you in ways that are illegal all over the world. Just SHUT UP.

Now, Ode to Meeks was a very very funny email, however, I hope to more than TOP it with this - my ...

Ode to Yonez!!!

Now this little gem is apparently named Yonez. If Kiki was a small, rabbit toothed swedish girl, I imagine she would look like this.

This guy's name is Yonez. I believe that Kiki and this gentleman are meant to be together. Wouldn't you agree?

I can't decide what this is. The caption reads "Independant As Fox", so I guess we are to make up our own minds. Is it an asian man in a fox suit? Is it what has been missing from my life? All I know - it's name is Yonez.

What could this company possibly do?! "Yonezu - We're Groovin' - For YOU"

Ah, my favourite Yonez of all. A bunch of asian people, standing in front of a nice car. It's like being outside the tailors in Regina. .

That's all for now, but it was all for you Yonez, Honez, Meekerson Jonez.

The Triumph Of Christianity Over Paganism - Gustav Dore

For Kiki , I remember how touched we both were by this painting when we went to the Mackenzie Art Gallery. I haven't forgotten how much you love it.

So, most of you (as in Kiki and Muss) have seen my "glamour pictures" from way back when. You know, where I am wearing the leather jacket with the hideous hair? Well, I saw this picture, and unfortunately, at first glance, thought it was me ... I am so sad ...

So, I am really just creating this blog to pass some of the time during my day, such as lunch hour etc. And so I can post ridiculous comments in Kiki's blog. I always swore I would never have a blog, but it seems inevitable. People love to ramble on about things no one else would ever care about - unless they too, are in on the jokes or were there for the stories. I say no more! I am going to commit to only posting stuff in my blog that is relevant, things that will challenge, encourage and affirm. And, of course, the odd random rant about work or other things that catch my attention.