University is making me anti-social. I'm downright RUDE to people who try to talk to me or sit near me. Whenever someone tries to talk to me, I have to admit, I just shake my head until they give up. What am I supposed to say? "Thanks for your time but the idea of taking you on in my life makes me want to light myself on fire"? I don't like small talk, I don't like introductions - I just want to sit in class, take notes and leave.
I like my own row. I like to be on the end, at the back, near the door. Yeah, I'm THAT kid. I don't sit there with my hood up and a scowl on my face but just try to start a conversation and I'll turn into a sullen teenager so fast your head will spin.
Don't get me wrong, I've made some lovely friends at University. IN THE PAST. Now that I have those friends, I'm done. I'm through collecting strangers from my classes. I don't have time to nurture any new relationships and I certainly don't have the patience to take notes for a 19 year old who got too "bombed" to come to class and is relying on me to catch her up. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
It's a battlefield out there, kids, and it's every man for himself. This isn't the army - don't kid yourself - I'll leave you behind in a heartbeat.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I Wish I Could Save You
I have no idea how to start this entry ... so I'm just going to start typing and we'll see what has been poured out when I run out of time/energy/ideas.
Recently ... I took a chance. Fuelled by good intentions and the nudging of the Holy Spirit, I embarked on a journey to help a stranger and unfortunately, the journey came to a screeching halt (far sooner than I could have imagined) with some fairly significant consequences. I don't know what to do with what's left over. The energy and passion that was necessary to launch myself into this situation is now sitting, unused, in my bones and I haven't the faintest idea of what comes next. There was nothing I could have done - the choice wasn't mine to make - but now that it's been made, I'm admittedly quite lost.
What do you do when you throw yourself, head first, into an opportunity to help someone and it crumbles before it even starts? What do you do with the residue? The disappointment? The nagging worry that there was something more that could have been done - that the limitation lies with you?
I find myself over-analyzing. That's how I'm using the extra energy I have. And honestly, I think that's because I'm too scared to try again. I know this is aggravatingly vague and I'm desperately trying to be as general as possible without glazing over this issue of the heart -- but please understand, this isn't my story to tell. So all I can share with you is my very small part in a very large story.
I can't keep going over every detail, picking apart every word I said, every gesture that I made - I can't keep frantically searching for a way to blame myself. But, what if it happens again? What if I let a piece of someone's journey affect me and move me and wind up with ... confusion and unfinished sentences and regret?
Should've. Could've. Would've. Didn't. Couldn't. Can't.
I'm so exhausted from shrugging in helplessness and my throat hurts from trying to find the words ...
This is hard. And it hurts. And I don't know how to proceed. I don't know how to let it go and move on - I don't know how to leave all of my questions unanswered. I don't know how to go back to the way things were before I was certain that I was making all the right decisions.
How do I acknowledge the disappointment without becoming angry and bitter? Because, friends, I'm afraid that acknowledging the reality and the pain of what happened will push me too far, too deep, too soon ... and what if I can't find my way back? I can't become that angry, cynical person again.
Recently ... I took a chance. Fuelled by good intentions and the nudging of the Holy Spirit, I embarked on a journey to help a stranger and unfortunately, the journey came to a screeching halt (far sooner than I could have imagined) with some fairly significant consequences. I don't know what to do with what's left over. The energy and passion that was necessary to launch myself into this situation is now sitting, unused, in my bones and I haven't the faintest idea of what comes next. There was nothing I could have done - the choice wasn't mine to make - but now that it's been made, I'm admittedly quite lost.
What do you do when you throw yourself, head first, into an opportunity to help someone and it crumbles before it even starts? What do you do with the residue? The disappointment? The nagging worry that there was something more that could have been done - that the limitation lies with you?
I find myself over-analyzing. That's how I'm using the extra energy I have. And honestly, I think that's because I'm too scared to try again. I know this is aggravatingly vague and I'm desperately trying to be as general as possible without glazing over this issue of the heart -- but please understand, this isn't my story to tell. So all I can share with you is my very small part in a very large story.
I can't keep going over every detail, picking apart every word I said, every gesture that I made - I can't keep frantically searching for a way to blame myself. But, what if it happens again? What if I let a piece of someone's journey affect me and move me and wind up with ... confusion and unfinished sentences and regret?
Should've. Could've. Would've. Didn't. Couldn't. Can't.
I'm so exhausted from shrugging in helplessness and my throat hurts from trying to find the words ...
This is hard. And it hurts. And I don't know how to proceed. I don't know how to let it go and move on - I don't know how to leave all of my questions unanswered. I don't know how to go back to the way things were before I was certain that I was making all the right decisions.
How do I acknowledge the disappointment without becoming angry and bitter? Because, friends, I'm afraid that acknowledging the reality and the pain of what happened will push me too far, too deep, too soon ... and what if I can't find my way back? I can't become that angry, cynical person again.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
In Which I Cry
**If you are one of the families that has welcomed me in like a daughter, I can't thank you enough. Please don't take this post the wrong way - your love and support has meant the world to me. You are my family **
I miss my Dad. Just typing those 4 words causes my eyes to fill with tears and a lump to form in my throat. I don't usually admit that sort of thing (especially for 200+ people to see) but I'm really hoping that by getting it out there, I'll find a little peace. My Dad used to be my hero - so much so that when he came home from work at the end of every day, he'd burst through the front door and holler "Super Dad!!" That's how I knew he was home - that's how I knew he was close. We'd watch t.v. together and every once in a while I'd lean over and rest my head on his shoulder and he'd kiss my forehead.
Despite his best efforts, I was never embarrassed to introduce him to my friends. He was a "cool Dad", one who understood the importance of noticing a new hairstyle or complimenting an outfit; I was told that he was proud of me and that I was beautiful every single day. He was great with my friend's parents too and always made a conscious effort to remember their names should he run into them again.
When meeting any boy in my life he was always reassuring and funny - telling them to "take a deep breath" if they were nervous and poking fun at me to break the ice. I don't know of one single person who has met my Dad and come away with something negative to say. He's the king of First Impressions and unfailingly engaging; he's the one who taught me how to quickly and subtly find a common ground with any stranger to win them over or put them at ease (a tactic that has secured me many jobs and turned acquaintances into friends).
Today, I'm heart-broken to say, I barely know my Dad. Circumstances beyond my control have forced us apart and transformed such a beautiful relationship into a vague familiarity. I hardly ever see him and I can't remember the last time we talked on the phone. I tell myself that it's normal and that parents and kids naturally drift apart after a while ... but I'm not so convinced. My closest friends talk to their parents almost every day and these days it's hard to deny my jealousy. My friends tell their parents about their lives while my Dad doesn't know that I love to paint and fish and he doesn't know that I'm planning a trip to somewhere exotic for Spring Break. My Dad doesn't know that this distance breaks my heart and that I'd trade almost anything to bridge the gap between us and know he's close once more.
And while I know he's proud of me and I know he loves me, I don't know him anymore and he doesn't know me. And at the end of the day, foolish or not, I want my Super Dad back.
I miss my Dad. Just typing those 4 words causes my eyes to fill with tears and a lump to form in my throat. I don't usually admit that sort of thing (especially for 200+ people to see) but I'm really hoping that by getting it out there, I'll find a little peace. My Dad used to be my hero - so much so that when he came home from work at the end of every day, he'd burst through the front door and holler "Super Dad!!" That's how I knew he was home - that's how I knew he was close. We'd watch t.v. together and every once in a while I'd lean over and rest my head on his shoulder and he'd kiss my forehead.
Despite his best efforts, I was never embarrassed to introduce him to my friends. He was a "cool Dad", one who understood the importance of noticing a new hairstyle or complimenting an outfit; I was told that he was proud of me and that I was beautiful every single day. He was great with my friend's parents too and always made a conscious effort to remember their names should he run into them again.
When meeting any boy in my life he was always reassuring and funny - telling them to "take a deep breath" if they were nervous and poking fun at me to break the ice. I don't know of one single person who has met my Dad and come away with something negative to say. He's the king of First Impressions and unfailingly engaging; he's the one who taught me how to quickly and subtly find a common ground with any stranger to win them over or put them at ease (a tactic that has secured me many jobs and turned acquaintances into friends).
Today, I'm heart-broken to say, I barely know my Dad. Circumstances beyond my control have forced us apart and transformed such a beautiful relationship into a vague familiarity. I hardly ever see him and I can't remember the last time we talked on the phone. I tell myself that it's normal and that parents and kids naturally drift apart after a while ... but I'm not so convinced. My closest friends talk to their parents almost every day and these days it's hard to deny my jealousy. My friends tell their parents about their lives while my Dad doesn't know that I love to paint and fish and he doesn't know that I'm planning a trip to somewhere exotic for Spring Break. My Dad doesn't know that this distance breaks my heart and that I'd trade almost anything to bridge the gap between us and know he's close once more.
And while I know he's proud of me and I know he loves me, I don't know him anymore and he doesn't know me. And at the end of the day, foolish or not, I want my Super Dad back.
Friday, July 03, 2009
She
**
She is grown and moving on
In leaps and bounds she dances
towards a future I can only dream of.
The best parts of me are mirrored in her
And I imagine that the best parts of her
Might be in me somewhere, buried and dirty.
She carries no air of superiority or pride
She has no idea that she shines
And gives light to all my secret dreams.
A soul so beautiful that others rise up
Unashamed and unaware that she
Is the kindred spirit that has called to them.
Truly alive and truly living
I feel a responsibility to do the same
To live along side her, alight and free.
She is family and she is true
A beauty, a beacon, a fire,
And a heart that invites me to radiate with her.
**
She is grown and moving on
In leaps and bounds she dances
towards a future I can only dream of.
The best parts of me are mirrored in her
And I imagine that the best parts of her
Might be in me somewhere, buried and dirty.
She carries no air of superiority or pride
She has no idea that she shines
And gives light to all my secret dreams.
A soul so beautiful that others rise up
Unashamed and unaware that she
Is the kindred spirit that has called to them.
Truly alive and truly living
I feel a responsibility to do the same
To live along side her, alight and free.
She is family and she is true
A beauty, a beacon, a fire,
And a heart that invites me to radiate with her.
**
Friday, June 26, 2009
Old Friends
**
I think I spend too much time in my own head. It's warm and comforting and completely devoid of any common sense or limitation. Join me, won't you?
Lately I feel as though I'm stumbling around in a dark room - eyes wide open, brow furrowed in concentration, teeth digging mercilessly into my bottom lip (forming the first letter of the one go-to curse word that seems to acknowledge and alleviate frustration all at one time).
I've been in this room many times before - the same darkness has frequently overwhelmed me and forced me into submission - yet the room remains terrifying and unfamiliar. It's not terrain you ever get used to, is it? Darkness is always foreign no matter how well you know your surroundings.
Yet, I keep stumbling around because I'm convinced that eventually something's gonna give and there'll be a break in the brick-and-mortar of my days and the light will trickle sweetly through the cracks. I know, it sounds like I'm depressed doesn't it? But it's actually the opposite - I'm delighted because deep down I know that if I'd never known darkness, I couldn't recognize the light.
**
I think I spend too much time in my own head. It's warm and comforting and completely devoid of any common sense or limitation. Join me, won't you?
Lately I feel as though I'm stumbling around in a dark room - eyes wide open, brow furrowed in concentration, teeth digging mercilessly into my bottom lip (forming the first letter of the one go-to curse word that seems to acknowledge and alleviate frustration all at one time).
I've been in this room many times before - the same darkness has frequently overwhelmed me and forced me into submission - yet the room remains terrifying and unfamiliar. It's not terrain you ever get used to, is it? Darkness is always foreign no matter how well you know your surroundings.
Yet, I keep stumbling around because I'm convinced that eventually something's gonna give and there'll be a break in the brick-and-mortar of my days and the light will trickle sweetly through the cracks. I know, it sounds like I'm depressed doesn't it? But it's actually the opposite - I'm delighted because deep down I know that if I'd never known darkness, I couldn't recognize the light.
**
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
You Jerk
*
Well, it was bound to happen, right? Eventually I was bound to feel "something" in connection to the recent events that I've been handling so well. Don't get me wrong, I still don't feel the need to yell or scream or exact my revenge - but man-oh-man, am I annoyed!
You see, there are people on this Earth that believe everything happens for a reason and that there is a lesson to be learned amidst chaos and pain - I am one of those people.
There are also people on this Earth that are masters at manipulation and have the ability to transform themselves into who/what others desire them to be - he is one of those people.
Now, imagine those two people collide. Throw in words like "God's will" and "divine appointment" etc and that's a recipe for disaster - especially if one of those people (the Eternal Optimist or the Apparent Alchemist) doesn't have the right motives.
My motives were pure and my heart was vulnerable - it's not easy for me to trust men, especially those that seem to be too good to be true. His motives ... well ... let's just say they weren't as pure. I'm not about to list the ugly things he did and I'm not going to act like it didn't hurt to be let down (again) - but yes, I'm annoyed.
I'm annoyed that he used God as an anvil to give his words weight. I'm annoyed that he acted like him moving on to another girl was cause for congratulation. I'm annoyed that I talked about him and got butterflies when thinking about him. I'm annoyed that I let him mean something to me when I could have stuck to my old ways and not had to feel any of this.
But, then I would have missed out on the important lesson that I learned through this situation - I'm not heart-broken because every single day I surrendered my feelings to God and asked that He protect me from getting too attached - and He did.
Though this man hurt me, our Father is wiser and stronger and I will relax in the knowledge that He will vindicate me.
*
Well, it was bound to happen, right? Eventually I was bound to feel "something" in connection to the recent events that I've been handling so well. Don't get me wrong, I still don't feel the need to yell or scream or exact my revenge - but man-oh-man, am I annoyed!
You see, there are people on this Earth that believe everything happens for a reason and that there is a lesson to be learned amidst chaos and pain - I am one of those people.
There are also people on this Earth that are masters at manipulation and have the ability to transform themselves into who/what others desire them to be - he is one of those people.
Now, imagine those two people collide. Throw in words like "God's will" and "divine appointment" etc and that's a recipe for disaster - especially if one of those people (the Eternal Optimist or the Apparent Alchemist) doesn't have the right motives.
My motives were pure and my heart was vulnerable - it's not easy for me to trust men, especially those that seem to be too good to be true. His motives ... well ... let's just say they weren't as pure. I'm not about to list the ugly things he did and I'm not going to act like it didn't hurt to be let down (again) - but yes, I'm annoyed.
I'm annoyed that he used God as an anvil to give his words weight. I'm annoyed that he acted like him moving on to another girl was cause for congratulation. I'm annoyed that I talked about him and got butterflies when thinking about him. I'm annoyed that I let him mean something to me when I could have stuck to my old ways and not had to feel any of this.
But, then I would have missed out on the important lesson that I learned through this situation - I'm not heart-broken because every single day I surrendered my feelings to God and asked that He protect me from getting too attached - and He did.
Though this man hurt me, our Father is wiser and stronger and I will relax in the knowledge that He will vindicate me.
*
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Lucky Lucky, I'm So Lucky
*
For Kiki, on a day when she feels "less than" when she is really so much more than she knows.
Remember that time ...
... You "helped" me climb on the roof in Dublin and I slipped, sliding all the way down the roof and almost falling to my death and all you could scream was "Jen! Don't die! You can't leave me here alone!!"
... I tried on those panties that were about 9 sizes too small and they ripped clean off my body!
... We watched "28 Days Later" and you forced me to let you sleep in my bed that night cause you were so scared that zombies were going to come get you.
... We ordered that massive "Wagon Wheel" pizza from Mizzoni's (can't believe I remember the name of that place) and we had to turn it sideways to fit it through the door!
... You burst into tears at that coffee shop because you JUST. COULDN'T. HANDLE. LIFE.
... We put that pylon on Cam's head and made him run around like a zombie, chasing the other kids.
... You called me hysterically crying from the airport because all the turbulence on your flight home to Canada scared you and you thought you were going to die.
... You lost your mind when the Africa team went home and had to take the day off work cause you couldn't stop crying.
... I had to scale the countertops and stove to run that excessively long ethernet chord all over the kitchen to set up our internet service that we only kept for 2 months before we moved again.
... Those sequined shoes you wore to walk around Dublin that cut up your feet and they got all infected and gross.
... We stayed up ALL NIGHT (multiple times) to watch Friends/CSI/3 Wishes/X-Factor etc.
Despite my feelings about Dublin, we had the best time together. You've always been able to cheer me up, inspire me and convince me to keep on pressing in when I want to do anything but. I love you, Keek - you are so much more than you know.
Have a better day, love.
*
For Kiki, on a day when she feels "less than" when she is really so much more than she knows.
Remember that time ...
... You "helped" me climb on the roof in Dublin and I slipped, sliding all the way down the roof and almost falling to my death and all you could scream was "Jen! Don't die! You can't leave me here alone!!"
... I tried on those panties that were about 9 sizes too small and they ripped clean off my body!
... We watched "28 Days Later" and you forced me to let you sleep in my bed that night cause you were so scared that zombies were going to come get you.
... We ordered that massive "Wagon Wheel" pizza from Mizzoni's (can't believe I remember the name of that place) and we had to turn it sideways to fit it through the door!
... You burst into tears at that coffee shop because you JUST. COULDN'T. HANDLE. LIFE.
... We put that pylon on Cam's head and made him run around like a zombie, chasing the other kids.
... You called me hysterically crying from the airport because all the turbulence on your flight home to Canada scared you and you thought you were going to die.
... You lost your mind when the Africa team went home and had to take the day off work cause you couldn't stop crying.
... I had to scale the countertops and stove to run that excessively long ethernet chord all over the kitchen to set up our internet service that we only kept for 2 months before we moved again.
... Those sequined shoes you wore to walk around Dublin that cut up your feet and they got all infected and gross.
... We stayed up ALL NIGHT (multiple times) to watch Friends/CSI/3 Wishes/X-Factor etc.
Despite my feelings about Dublin, we had the best time together. You've always been able to cheer me up, inspire me and convince me to keep on pressing in when I want to do anything but. I love you, Keek - you are so much more than you know.
Have a better day, love.
*
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