Saturday, October 17, 2009

Un Inviting

University is making me anti-social. I'm downright RUDE to people who try to talk to me or sit near me. Whenever someone tries to talk to me, I have to admit, I just shake my head until they give up. What am I supposed to say? "Thanks for your time but the idea of taking you on in my life makes me want to light myself on fire"? I don't like small talk, I don't like introductions - I just want to sit in class, take notes and leave.

I like my own row. I like to be on the end, at the back, near the door. Yeah, I'm THAT kid. I don't sit there with my hood up and a scowl on my face but just try to start a conversation and I'll turn into a sullen teenager so fast your head will spin.

Don't get me wrong, I've made some lovely friends at University. IN THE PAST. Now that I have those friends, I'm done. I'm through collecting strangers from my classes. I don't have time to nurture any new relationships and I certainly don't have the patience to take notes for a 19 year old who got too "bombed" to come to class and is relying on me to catch her up. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

It's a battlefield out there, kids, and it's every man for himself. This isn't the army - don't kid yourself - I'll leave you behind in a heartbeat.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I Wish I Could Save You

I have no idea how to start this entry ... so I'm just going to start typing and we'll see what has been poured out when I run out of time/energy/ideas.

Recently ... I took a chance. Fuelled by good intentions and the nudging of the Holy Spirit, I embarked on a journey to help a stranger and unfortunately, the journey came to a screeching halt (far sooner than I could have imagined) with some fairly significant consequences. I don't know what to do with what's left over. The energy and passion that was necessary to launch myself into this situation is now sitting, unused, in my bones and I haven't the faintest idea of what comes next. There was nothing I could have done - the choice wasn't mine to make - but now that it's been made, I'm admittedly quite lost.

What do you do when you throw yourself, head first, into an opportunity to help someone and it crumbles before it even starts? What do you do with the residue? The disappointment? The nagging worry that there was something more that could have been done - that the limitation lies with you?

I find myself over-analyzing. That's how I'm using the extra energy I have. And honestly, I think that's because I'm too scared to try again. I know this is aggravatingly vague and I'm desperately trying to be as general as possible without glazing over this issue of the heart -- but please understand, this isn't my story to tell. So all I can share with you is my very small part in a very large story.

I can't keep going over every detail, picking apart every word I said, every gesture that I made - I can't keep frantically searching for a way to blame myself. But, what if it happens again? What if I let a piece of someone's journey affect me and move me and wind up with ... confusion and unfinished sentences and regret?

Should've. Could've. Would've. Didn't. Couldn't. Can't.

I'm so exhausted from shrugging in helplessness and my throat hurts from trying to find the words ...

This is hard. And it hurts. And I don't know how to proceed. I don't know how to let it go and move on - I don't know how to leave all of my questions unanswered. I don't know how to go back to the way things were before I was certain that I was making all the right decisions.

How do I acknowledge the disappointment without becoming angry and bitter? Because, friends, I'm afraid that acknowledging the reality and the pain of what happened will push me too far, too deep, too soon ... and what if I can't find my way back? I can't become that angry, cynical person again.