Saturday, April 22, 2006
Today, Kiki and I went to fabulous Greystones. I can't describe how much I needed this little get away. I haven't been feeling very Christian lately. There's a lot of stuff that is getting in the way of my relationship with God and, as wrong as it is, that's my reality right now. I know that God is calling me to be more humble, more responsible and more mature - but how do I forgo the comfortable to embrace the unknown? I don't know what He has for me, I don't know where He's taking me, all I know is He's moving and (most days) all I want to do is be with Him. It's funny to me that despite all I know about Jesus and the Bible, I am still such a stranger to the truth sometimes. I think God must want to reach down from Heaven and wrap His knuckles on my head. Sometimes I swear I hear Him booming "HELLO! JEN!! Try to catch up ..." Right now I am reading a book called "What's So Amazing About Grace" by Philip Yancey. This man is brilliant. He's shedding a whole new holy light on the gift and responsibility that is grace. I'm reminded so often when reading this remarkable book, that I am slave in many ways to the unforgiveness in my life. I refuse to allow myself to grow or move on from certain relationships/situations that have hurt me - and I need to constantly remind myself - forgiveness doesn't make what the other person did okay or right - it makes ME free. I have shown so little grace to many people in my life - like it's my right to be hurt and angry or something. But it's not ... it's so not. I believe the Lord is calling me to a time of sacrifice - a time where I don't just offer up that which is holy and pleasing, but I offer Him that which is perverted and wrong - whatever it is that is tainting the spirit in me. I have nothing to offer but my life. I can't help but notice what an inadequate offering that is after all He has done for me. I am so blessed.