For the sole purpose of avoiding the truth that comes crashing into reality when the unspoken is given a voice, I am here. Typing out feelings that I'm sure don't have a name. I've been hoping for something recently and I just found out that it is most definitely not going to come to fruition. And the disappointment is tangible. I feel like I can see it and smell it and hear it ringing all around me and all I want to do is blare happy carnival music to drown out the noise with irony.
I feel like I've been designed to receive disappointment fairly calmly - I haven't cried or yelled or really emoted in any extreme fashion - but I feel it. The best way for me to describe it is a throbbing. I feel like my spirit is throbbing.
So, it stings and I've been knocked off balance but I'll regain my composure very soon. Something like this won't destroy me or steal the progress I've made. I choose forgiveness, mercy, love and grace. Basically, I choose that which has been given so selflessly to me despite my glaringly obvious lack of merit.
I choose life.