Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Not This Time

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For the sole purpose of avoiding the truth that comes crashing into reality when the unspoken is given a voice, I am here. Typing out feelings that I'm sure don't have a name. I've been hoping for something recently and I just found out that it is most definitely not going to come to fruition. And the disappointment is tangible. I feel like I can see it and smell it and hear it ringing all around me and all I want to do is blare happy carnival music to drown out the noise with irony.

I feel like I've been designed to receive disappointment fairly calmly - I haven't cried or yelled or really emoted in any extreme fashion - but I feel it. The best way for me to describe it is a throbbing. I feel like my spirit is throbbing.

So, it stings and I've been knocked off balance but I'll regain my composure very soon. Something like this won't destroy me or steal the progress I've made. I choose forgiveness, mercy, love and grace. Basically, I choose that which has been given so selflessly to me despite my glaringly obvious lack of merit.

I choose life.
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2 comments:

KiKi said...

atta girl, keep on pushing through... he is not worth your tears anyways. God has an amazing plan in store for you and the right one for you, and he will come when the time is right. God sees your disappointment, but think of how much worse it would be if He would have allowed it to go any further.

You are much calmer and more mature then me though let that be said.. I would have driven all that way just to give a swift kick in the balls by now!!!

I love you! Do not let this disappointment eat away at you.. God has better things in store

Muss said...

Your "spirit is throbbing"...man you are hella peotic. Although I am not condoning the actions that made you upset, I enjoy your lyrical ways, Miss Gibson. You are my favorite.