*
For the sole purpose of avoiding the truth that comes crashing into reality when the unspoken is given a voice, I am here. Typing out feelings that I'm sure don't have a name. I've been hoping for something recently and I just found out that it is most definitely not going to come to fruition. And the disappointment is tangible. I feel like I can see it and smell it and hear it ringing all around me and all I want to do is blare happy carnival music to drown out the noise with irony.
I feel like I've been designed to receive disappointment fairly calmly - I haven't cried or yelled or really emoted in any extreme fashion - but I feel it. The best way for me to describe it is a throbbing. I feel like my spirit is throbbing.
So, it stings and I've been knocked off balance but I'll regain my composure very soon. Something like this won't destroy me or steal the progress I've made. I choose forgiveness, mercy, love and grace. Basically, I choose that which has been given so selflessly to me despite my glaringly obvious lack of merit.
I choose life.
*
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Promise Maker. Promise Keeper.
*
Last night I crawled into bed and thanked God for the way He has been moving lately. Friends of mine have been trying to conceive for the past 10 years and, after considerable difficulty, they decided to adopt. They have been let down over and over with adoptions that fell through - babies that were dangled in front of them like candy and then snatched away, just as their hearts were opened to love. But yesterday, their struggle was distant and their frustration was forgotten; their baby came home to them. A gorgeous little boy with dark brown eyes and a smile that makes my heart swell to impossible proportions.
I'm so happy for them and so overwhelmed at their happiness. My God is a God of impossible dreams and extravagant promises and, more than anything, my God is promise keeper.
So here I sit with much to ponder.
I've watched God make my friend's wildest dreams come true. I feel a stirring in my soul and a whisper in my ear, reminding me that He wants to do the same for me. I don't know what my wildest dreams are but I love how limitless my God is. I know this post is overly-"Godly" and I normally try to keep the God-talk to a minimum so as not alienate some of my friends who read my blog - but friends, you know me. And this is my heart.
I live a life that is extravagantly full of grace and passion - I am fiercely loved and pursued by a God who has all things and He still beckons to a fool like me. I have seen hearts, minds and bodies healed and I have felt my own spirit restored under the healing glance of God. In this life - in my life - this is all there is. The truth is, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for God. That is, in the simplest form, my testimony.
And what I prayed last night is still true today - I don't want to waste the second chance I've been given. So (as cheesy as this sounds) if you are reading this - God loves you and He wants to know you. I know it's cliche and you've probably heard it all before but guys, I'm living proof that God loves you where you're at and not where you think you should be. There are no pre-requisites, there are no conditions - right now (this second!) where you are sitting, God is whispering to your heart and He wants you to hear this: "You are everything I've ever wanted. I love you and I want to restore you." I'm not trying to preach at you or convert you - I've just decided, once and for all, that what I have is worth talking about - and I want you to have it too.
I've been rescued time and again from my own self-hatred and desperation. And I refuse to sit by while the people I love buy into the lie that they're not worth God's time. He made this world for YOU and gave His Son for YOU. If you were the only person on earth, He would have done it all for you. Don't be like me - don't waste your life believing that your existence and worth are limited to what you see. I promise you - GOD promises you - it's not. And, like I said, He's a promise keeper.
*
Last night I crawled into bed and thanked God for the way He has been moving lately. Friends of mine have been trying to conceive for the past 10 years and, after considerable difficulty, they decided to adopt. They have been let down over and over with adoptions that fell through - babies that were dangled in front of them like candy and then snatched away, just as their hearts were opened to love. But yesterday, their struggle was distant and their frustration was forgotten; their baby came home to them. A gorgeous little boy with dark brown eyes and a smile that makes my heart swell to impossible proportions.
I'm so happy for them and so overwhelmed at their happiness. My God is a God of impossible dreams and extravagant promises and, more than anything, my God is promise keeper.
So here I sit with much to ponder.
I've watched God make my friend's wildest dreams come true. I feel a stirring in my soul and a whisper in my ear, reminding me that He wants to do the same for me. I don't know what my wildest dreams are but I love how limitless my God is. I know this post is overly-"Godly" and I normally try to keep the God-talk to a minimum so as not alienate some of my friends who read my blog - but friends, you know me. And this is my heart.
I live a life that is extravagantly full of grace and passion - I am fiercely loved and pursued by a God who has all things and He still beckons to a fool like me. I have seen hearts, minds and bodies healed and I have felt my own spirit restored under the healing glance of God. In this life - in my life - this is all there is. The truth is, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for God. That is, in the simplest form, my testimony.
And what I prayed last night is still true today - I don't want to waste the second chance I've been given. So (as cheesy as this sounds) if you are reading this - God loves you and He wants to know you. I know it's cliche and you've probably heard it all before but guys, I'm living proof that God loves you where you're at and not where you think you should be. There are no pre-requisites, there are no conditions - right now (this second!) where you are sitting, God is whispering to your heart and He wants you to hear this: "You are everything I've ever wanted. I love you and I want to restore you." I'm not trying to preach at you or convert you - I've just decided, once and for all, that what I have is worth talking about - and I want you to have it too.
I've been rescued time and again from my own self-hatred and desperation. And I refuse to sit by while the people I love buy into the lie that they're not worth God's time. He made this world for YOU and gave His Son for YOU. If you were the only person on earth, He would have done it all for you. Don't be like me - don't waste your life believing that your existence and worth are limited to what you see. I promise you - GOD promises you - it's not. And, like I said, He's a promise keeper.
*
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Say It
*
Why can't you just say what I need to hear?
Put me out of my misery
And just say it.
Tell me that you're a big fake
And far too good to be true
And that everything you've said to me
Will eventually prove me to be a fool
Why can't you just say what I need to hear?
Put it all out there
And just say it.
Tell me this isn't going to work
That there's someone better than me
She's thinner and prettier
And will make you endlessly happy
Why can't you just say what I need to hear?
I think I can handle it
Just say it.
Because if this is going to work
And you're telling me the truth
I have to say it here and now
I'm scared to death of you
Why can't I just let this be everything it is?
And admit how I feel
Just say it ...
I think I might be yours.
*
Why can't you just say what I need to hear?
Put me out of my misery
And just say it.
Tell me that you're a big fake
And far too good to be true
And that everything you've said to me
Will eventually prove me to be a fool
Why can't you just say what I need to hear?
Put it all out there
And just say it.
Tell me this isn't going to work
That there's someone better than me
She's thinner and prettier
And will make you endlessly happy
Why can't you just say what I need to hear?
I think I can handle it
Just say it.
Because if this is going to work
And you're telling me the truth
I have to say it here and now
I'm scared to death of you
Why can't I just let this be everything it is?
And admit how I feel
Just say it ...
I think I might be yours.
*
Friday, April 03, 2009
The Other Day
*
You know what sucks? Being so busy that you can't remember what day it is or when any event took place in the days previous. This has happened to me a lot lately as I've been forced to refer to every day as "The Other Day". My days are just starting to blend together into one giant stress ball which is rolling downhill and gaining enough momentum and force to crush me into the ground.
Or something less dramatic.
Yet again, my weekend will be spent writing papers and trying to spend time with the girls. Also, on Sunday my friend/co-worker Sharon is going to put blonde highlights in my hair! So stay tuned for that!
Aside from those random events, nothing much is new. I'll keep you posted if anything mildly interesting pops up! Have a good weekend!
*
You know what sucks? Being so busy that you can't remember what day it is or when any event took place in the days previous. This has happened to me a lot lately as I've been forced to refer to every day as "The Other Day". My days are just starting to blend together into one giant stress ball which is rolling downhill and gaining enough momentum and force to crush me into the ground.
Or something less dramatic.
Yet again, my weekend will be spent writing papers and trying to spend time with the girls. Also, on Sunday my friend/co-worker Sharon is going to put blonde highlights in my hair! So stay tuned for that!
Aside from those random events, nothing much is new. I'll keep you posted if anything mildly interesting pops up! Have a good weekend!
*
Thursday, April 02, 2009
The Power of Power
*
I'm disgruntled. Would you like to know why? Some genius in a semi hit a power line (he's fine, don't worry) and knocked out the power in the entire Northwest end of the city. Guess where my salon is? In the Northwest. Guess what I do at my salon that requires power? TAN.
On days when I feel like my depression is taking a toll, I go tanning. Research has suggested that "light box therapy" alleviates the symptoms of depression - well, what better way to engage in "light box therapy" than to lay in a bed full of light? That, and I need to be somewhat tan for Tasha's wedding and due to the difficulty I have getting brown, I need to start now (3 months in advance).
I'm hoping the power is back on in time to tan. I need it today.
*
I'm disgruntled. Would you like to know why? Some genius in a semi hit a power line (he's fine, don't worry) and knocked out the power in the entire Northwest end of the city. Guess where my salon is? In the Northwest. Guess what I do at my salon that requires power? TAN.
On days when I feel like my depression is taking a toll, I go tanning. Research has suggested that "light box therapy" alleviates the symptoms of depression - well, what better way to engage in "light box therapy" than to lay in a bed full of light? That, and I need to be somewhat tan for Tasha's wedding and due to the difficulty I have getting brown, I need to start now (3 months in advance).
I'm hoping the power is back on in time to tan. I need it today.
*
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