I Think We're Alone Now

**
I've been working so much lately that I've almost forgotten what an 8 hour day feels like. With Tina being home and it being "year-end" at work, I've had next to no time to just sit and be. Man, I miss just "being".

Sometimes I miss the quiet of an uneventful life. I miss being bored on the weekends and having no one to hang out with. I live with one of my best friends - I am never bored. Please don't think I'm complaining because I'm absolutely not. I'm just tired and I want to have one of those days where I can feel free to behave like a total a-hole and it doesn't matter cause no one's around to see it.

Year-End is finally over and I'm bloody thankful. I am going to home to bed.
_

Commencing Countdown, Engines On

***
I'm not sticking to the rules. I cannot be contained. I refuse to excuse or explain my excitement.

I. AM. OVERJOYED.

Tina's home. Source of all things light and lovely and perfect. These are not lofty accolades, believe me - when you're with her, you'll understand. It's not fair that I had to be without her for a whole year, it's not fair that we didn't share our birthdays or Christmas or Thanksgiving, it's not fair that she came back looking all glowy and hip and I'm always wearing yesterday's clothes. But you know what is fair? She still knows me. We've both changed and grown and evolved into better friends, sisters, daughters etc, but man, she knows me.

I love that even when everything is crazy and I'm working 14 hour days and I'm messy and spontaneous and irrational - I'm treasured by her. Because to her, all these things are familiar yet new. She's known me as messy, spontaneous and irrational all her life - but now she's experiencing them all over again. Unfortunately for her, I've preserved some of my not-so-nice qualities as well and over time she'll grow to dread them but for right now, we're enjoying getting to know each other all over again.

And you know what I'm figuring out?

Things makes sense when Tina's around. And I LOVE when things make sense.
_

Yellow Bird

Today I came to the realization that I am not seeking relevance or validation. Today I came to the realization that I am not seeking love, affection or even positive reinforcement.

Today I came to the realization that I am relevant, validated, loved, affected (ha!) and reinforced.

Today I came to the realization that I am 100%, tips of my toes to the top of my head bathed in yellow sunlight, heart combustingly HAPPY. And not only happy, but satisfied. I finally feel like my life means something.

I guess ... today I came to the realization that the search is over. Call off the dogs. I know who I am.
_

To The Left, To The Left.

*
I have an irrational fear of the dentist. Like, I'm the girl sitting in the waiting room quietly sobbing into a 6 month old Us Weekly. I don't know what it is. It's not THAT uncomfortable, but I cry through the entire appointment. The tears start right after giving my name to the receptionist and stop when I'm driving home. And don't even get me started on when I'm actually IN the chair. I shake uncontrollably. We're not talking a little quivering, we're talking full body SHAKING.

The last time I went, I cried and shook so much that the dentist had to leave the room for 20 minutes (read: an ETERNITY when you're about to get a needle in the gums) because he was laughing so hard. Imagine the crying and shaking and me trying to say through that terrible dental dam "I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me. I know it's not going to hurt that badly. I'm so sorry" and all the dentist hears is "Ah owwy, ah ohn oh as ong eh ee ...". Just typing about that rubber trampoline they put over your mouth (read: half way down your throat so you can't swallow or breathe) makes my mouth water and my stomach churn.

In case you couldn't tell, I'm about to make my first dental appointment in 2 years. Scratch that. 3 years. Oh God ...
_

That Which Is Senseless ...

I work in a machine shop. 15 boys and ME. Sometimes they say the funniest things and it really makes my day. On Monday one of the guys is having a birthday and Muss is making him an awesome cake. It's making him crazy that I won't tell him what the cake is shaped like (they're always personalized to what each guy likes) and thus, the following conversation:

Guy: Gwen! Tell me what kind of cake you're making me.
Me: No way, it's a surprise.
Guy: Why?! You told me what all the other guys were getting!
Me: Yes but I didn't tell THEM ...
Guy: Well I did! What can I say? I'm a chatty Kathy!

I lost it. SO funny.
_

Stay ...

No longer lost, or wandering or scared
Chasing a fountain for wishing
Running and frantically checking
Over my shoulder, my past

Not one to find myself in another
Or allow this heart to be held
Please keep your distance, I can't let you
Touch me, keep me or change me

Shifting from one left foot to another
Tripping on best laid plans
Trying so hard to look ahead, only to find
What I'm looking forward to has already passed

Today, a new plan, a new day, a new hope
I choke on emotion as I deeply inhale
Change is laced with grace in the air
Forgiveness and freedom surround me

Welcome to this brand new place
White and breathlessly golden
Lacking in pretention and expectation
It's peaceful, it's light, it's home.
_

I've Got a Friend Who Loves Me

We had a party last night. MY party. A table full of friends, super good food and I didn't pay a cent (by the way, ladies, who paid for that?!). The night ended, friends parted and I drove home warm and happy. When I got home I was greeted with half a dozen missed calls and a couple frantic voicemails. A crisis - a friend in trouble - desperation from 5 hours away. That's one of the world's worst feelings - complete helplessness. I was called to comfort a friend who was hysterically crying and wanted nothing more than to end it all so she didn't have to feel the pain anymore. "You're the only one who can talk to her, Jen" translates in my head as "You're the only one who can save her!". Welcome to my crippling Saviour complex.

My desperation to ease her distress is nothing compared to her pain. I can't relate, I can't even empathize. I want to rescue her. Everything in me is screaming "Go to her! Don't let her do anything drastic! You'll never forgive yourself if something happens to her!", but then, THANKFULLY, I hear the voice of God whispering "It's okay, you comforted, you calmed and now the rest is up to her. Rest - please. You need to rest".

I'm so lucky. I have more than most - more that anyone, really. If you're reading this, I love you. Please, please know that. I love you guys and I'll always be here. You may roll your eyes and say "I know, I know" but seriously - stop for a second (RIGHT NOW) and consider this: I LOVE YOU. I'll always love you. I can't keep you safe, I can't protect you from pain or disappointment but for fuck sakes girls - I love you. Everything in me wants everything in you to FEEL and KNOW that.

Please know that.
_

Hands Open, Eyes Open

So long, 23 - move over and make room for 24! While I gleefully anticipate what this next year of my life will bring, I can’t help but feel the need to pay tribute to the past year – full of drama and confusion but SO much fill-me-up to overflowing, shiny, dandy LOVE. In the spirit of the day – enjoy:

23 Reminiscents of 23

During this past year:

1. I’ve worked 2 jobs, 17 hours a day, barely sleeping and still not making ends meet. One year ago today, I wasn’t happy.
   
2. I’ve swallowed my pride and asked for help.
   
3. I’ve quit 2 jobs and accepted one - overpaid, underworked and delighted. Every day.
   
4. I dated an amazing guy and realized through his example, that good relationships DO exist.
   
5. I’ve lived in an apartment with one of my best friends and now live in a house with one of my best friends.
   
6. While living in the aforementioned apartment, we were visited more by the police than friends/family.
   
7. Never once were the police there to see us.
   
8. I adopted a beautiful sponsor child.
   
9. I’ve started University and am an "A" student (so far).
   
10. I’m settled into a Church that I love and truly feel is my home and family.
    
11. I’ve developed even more idiosyncrasies – mostly involving the control/elimination of germs and bacteria.
    
12. I haven’t missed living in Ireland. I’ve missed the kids and the shops – but not the lifestyle. Never.
    
13. I finally launched "Every Avenue" – prayer and worship for youth. Freedom..
    
14. I’ve missed my sister ever day since she’s been living in England.
    
15. I’ve seen friends pregnant and then I’ve seen them as mothers. Watching them - I’ve been overwhelmed with pride.
    
16. I’ve found and re-connected with long lost friends and family.
    
17. I’ve been consumed with hurt, anger, bitterness and the sting of betrayal.
    
18. I’ve gotten over it.
    
19. I bought a laptop and now can’t believe I ever lived without it.
    
20. I’ve learned that it’s OKAY that I think gay people should be allowed to get married, and women should be allowed to choose what happens to their body, and I can believe those things and still love Jesus.
    
21. I’ve watched the U.S. change the course of history by electing an African American President. Hope on a podium. Hope for Darfur. Hope for my generation.
    
22. I have made new friends and been accepted into their families.
    
23. I have loved deeply and recklessly and I’ve been loved the same way.
    

Whatever Tomorrow Brings, I'll Be There

My sister is hilarious. She really is. We can make a joke about pretty much anything - this is especially easy when she's in one of "those" moods. Enjoy our most recent conversation:

Tina: I hate those girls who aren't happy unless every guy is in love with them. Some of us would be happy with ONE guy - even if he's ugly! I mean, look at you and So-and-So.

Jen: *gasp* TINA!

T: (laughing hysterically)

J: He was really nice, okay?!

T: Oh he was nice, was he?! He didn't BEAT YOU? That's nice.

J: Tina! Stop ... (laughing too)

T: Was he deep, Jen? Was he troubled, like Joaquin Phoenix? Did he have deep inner thoughts?! Was it his sense of humour? Was he smart?? Need I go on!?

J: (wheezing)

T: (wheezing)

J: I can't believe you're wheezing.

T: All I know is he's gotta have brawn. I don't even know what that IS, but he's gotta have it!

Come home, Teen. Come home and we'll rustle you up some "brawn" - whatever that is.
_