I Think We're Alone Now

**
I've been working so much lately that I've almost forgotten what an 8 hour day feels like. With Tina being home and it being "year-end" at work, I've had next to no time to just sit and be. Man, I miss just "being".

Sometimes I miss the quiet of an uneventful life. I miss being bored on the weekends and having no one to hang out with. I live with one of my best friends - I am never bored. Please don't think I'm complaining because I'm absolutely not. I'm just tired and I want to have one of those days where I can feel free to behave like a total a-hole and it doesn't matter cause no one's around to see it.

Year-End is finally over and I'm bloody thankful. I am going to home to bed.
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Commencing Countdown, Engines On

***
I'm not sticking to the rules. I cannot be contained. I refuse to excuse or explain my excitement.

I. AM. OVERJOYED.

Tina's home. Source of all things light and lovely and perfect. These are not lofty accolades, believe me - when you're with her, you'll understand. It's not fair that I had to be without her for a whole year, it's not fair that we didn't share our birthdays or Christmas or Thanksgiving, it's not fair that she came back looking all glowy and hip and I'm always wearing yesterday's clothes. But you know what is fair? She still knows me. We've both changed and grown and evolved into better friends, sisters, daughters etc, but man, she knows me.

I love that even when everything is crazy and I'm working 14 hour days and I'm messy and spontaneous and irrational - I'm treasured by her. Because to her, all these things are familiar yet new. She's known me as messy, spontaneous and irrational all her life - but now she's experiencing them all over again. Unfortunately for her, I've preserved some of my not-so-nice qualities as well and over time she'll grow to dread them but for right now, we're enjoying getting to know each other all over again.

And you know what I'm figuring out?

Things makes sense when Tina's around. And I LOVE when things make sense.
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Yellow Bird

Today I came to the realization that I am not seeking relevance or validation. Today I came to the realization that I am not seeking love, affection or even positive reinforcement.

Today I came to the realization that I am relevant, validated, loved, affected (ha!) and reinforced.

Today I came to the realization that I am 100%, tips of my toes to the top of my head bathed in yellow sunlight, heart combustingly HAPPY. And not only happy, but satisfied. I finally feel like my life means something.

I guess ... today I came to the realization that the search is over. Call off the dogs. I know who I am.
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To The Left, To The Left.

*
I have an irrational fear of the dentist. Like, I'm the girl sitting in the waiting room quietly sobbing into a 6 month old Us Weekly. I don't know what it is. It's not THAT uncomfortable, but I cry through the entire appointment. The tears start right after giving my name to the receptionist and stop when I'm driving home. And don't even get me started on when I'm actually IN the chair. I shake uncontrollably. We're not talking a little quivering, we're talking full body SHAKING.

The last time I went, I cried and shook so much that the dentist had to leave the room for 20 minutes (read: an ETERNITY when you're about to get a needle in the gums) because he was laughing so hard. Imagine the crying and shaking and me trying to say through that terrible dental dam "I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me. I know it's not going to hurt that badly. I'm so sorry" and all the dentist hears is "Ah owwy, ah ohn oh as ong eh ee ...". Just typing about that rubber trampoline they put over your mouth (read: half way down your throat so you can't swallow or breathe) makes my mouth water and my stomach churn.

In case you couldn't tell, I'm about to make my first dental appointment in 2 years. Scratch that. 3 years. Oh God ...
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That Which Is Senseless ...

I work in a machine shop. 15 boys and ME. Sometimes they say the funniest things and it really makes my day. On Monday one of the guys is having a birthday and Muss is making him an awesome cake. It's making him crazy that I won't tell him what the cake is shaped like (they're always personalized to what each guy likes) and thus, the following conversation:

Guy: Gwen! Tell me what kind of cake you're making me.
Me: No way, it's a surprise.
Guy: Why?! You told me what all the other guys were getting!
Me: Yes but I didn't tell THEM ...
Guy: Well I did! What can I say? I'm a chatty Kathy!

I lost it. SO funny.
_

Stay ...

No longer lost, or wandering or scared
Chasing a fountain for wishing
Running and frantically checking
Over my shoulder, my past

Not one to find myself in another
Or allow this heart to be held
Please keep your distance, I can't let you
Touch me, keep me or change me

Shifting from one left foot to another
Tripping on best laid plans
Trying so hard to look ahead, only to find
What I'm looking forward to has already passed

Today, a new plan, a new day, a new hope
I choke on emotion as I deeply inhale
Change is laced with grace in the air
Forgiveness and freedom surround me

Welcome to this brand new place
White and breathlessly golden
Lacking in pretention and expectation
It's peaceful, it's light, it's home.
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I've Got a Friend Who Loves Me

We had a party last night. MY party. A table full of friends, super good food and I didn't pay a cent (by the way, ladies, who paid for that?!). The night ended, friends parted and I drove home warm and happy. When I got home I was greeted with half a dozen missed calls and a couple frantic voicemails. A crisis - a friend in trouble - desperation from 5 hours away. That's one of the world's worst feelings - complete helplessness. I was called to comfort a friend who was hysterically crying and wanted nothing more than to end it all so she didn't have to feel the pain anymore. "You're the only one who can talk to her, Jen" translates in my head as "You're the only one who can save her!". Welcome to my crippling Saviour complex.

My desperation to ease her distress is nothing compared to her pain. I can't relate, I can't even empathize. I want to rescue her. Everything in me is screaming "Go to her! Don't let her do anything drastic! You'll never forgive yourself if something happens to her!", but then, THANKFULLY, I hear the voice of God whispering "It's okay, you comforted, you calmed and now the rest is up to her. Rest - please. You need to rest".

I'm so lucky. I have more than most - more that anyone, really. If you're reading this, I love you. Please, please know that. I love you guys and I'll always be here. You may roll your eyes and say "I know, I know" but seriously - stop for a second (RIGHT NOW) and consider this: I LOVE YOU. I'll always love you. I can't keep you safe, I can't protect you from pain or disappointment but for fuck sakes girls - I love you. Everything in me wants everything in you to FEEL and KNOW that.

Please know that.
_

Hands Open, Eyes Open

So long, 23 - move over and make room for 24! While I gleefully anticipate what this next year of my life will bring, I can’t help but feel the need to pay tribute to the past year – full of drama and confusion but SO much fill-me-up to overflowing, shiny, dandy LOVE. In the spirit of the day – enjoy:

23 Reminiscents of 23

During this past year:

1. I’ve worked 2 jobs, 17 hours a day, barely sleeping and still not making ends meet. One year ago today, I wasn’t happy.
   
2. I’ve swallowed my pride and asked for help.
   
3. I’ve quit 2 jobs and accepted one - overpaid, underworked and delighted. Every day.
   
4. I dated an amazing guy and realized through his example, that good relationships DO exist.
   
5. I’ve lived in an apartment with one of my best friends and now live in a house with one of my best friends.
   
6. While living in the aforementioned apartment, we were visited more by the police than friends/family.
   
7. Never once were the police there to see us.
   
8. I adopted a beautiful sponsor child.
   
9. I’ve started University and am an "A" student (so far).
   
10. I’m settled into a Church that I love and truly feel is my home and family.
    
11. I’ve developed even more idiosyncrasies – mostly involving the control/elimination of germs and bacteria.
    
12. I haven’t missed living in Ireland. I’ve missed the kids and the shops – but not the lifestyle. Never.
    
13. I finally launched "Every Avenue" – prayer and worship for youth. Freedom..
    
14. I’ve missed my sister ever day since she’s been living in England.
    
15. I’ve seen friends pregnant and then I’ve seen them as mothers. Watching them - I’ve been overwhelmed with pride.
    
16. I’ve found and re-connected with long lost friends and family.
    
17. I’ve been consumed with hurt, anger, bitterness and the sting of betrayal.
    
18. I’ve gotten over it.
    
19. I bought a laptop and now can’t believe I ever lived without it.
    
20. I’ve learned that it’s OKAY that I think gay people should be allowed to get married, and women should be allowed to choose what happens to their body, and I can believe those things and still love Jesus.
    
21. I’ve watched the U.S. change the course of history by electing an African American President. Hope on a podium. Hope for Darfur. Hope for my generation.
    
22. I have made new friends and been accepted into their families.
    
23. I have loved deeply and recklessly and I’ve been loved the same way.
    

Whatever Tomorrow Brings, I'll Be There

My sister is hilarious. She really is. We can make a joke about pretty much anything - this is especially easy when she's in one of "those" moods. Enjoy our most recent conversation:

Tina: I hate those girls who aren't happy unless every guy is in love with them. Some of us would be happy with ONE guy - even if he's ugly! I mean, look at you and So-and-So.

Jen: *gasp* TINA!

T: (laughing hysterically)

J: He was really nice, okay?!

T: Oh he was nice, was he?! He didn't BEAT YOU? That's nice.

J: Tina! Stop ... (laughing too)

T: Was he deep, Jen? Was he troubled, like Joaquin Phoenix? Did he have deep inner thoughts?! Was it his sense of humour? Was he smart?? Need I go on!?

J: (wheezing)

T: (wheezing)

J: I can't believe you're wheezing.

T: All I know is he's gotta have brawn. I don't even know what that IS, but he's gotta have it!

Come home, Teen. Come home and we'll rustle you up some "brawn" - whatever that is.
_

I'm Having Such A Good Time, I'm Having A Ball

So, Muss blogged about why she loves her job - so allow me to blog about why I love mine. And by that I mean "why I don't entirely despise my job" because I was here until 11pm last night trying to catch up for month end and I'd be lying if I said I loved it today.

I sat in my boss' office this morning and stared straight through him until I could remember why I was there in the first place. While I was doing so, he noticeably glanced at my hair. Now, as I said - I was here late last night, got home with just enough time to chat with a very tired and disheveled Kiki, have a text-versation with Josh, wash my face and get to bed by 1am. So I'm exhausted - and, I'm not ashamed to say - not looking my best.

So here's how the conversation went:

Me: What the hell was that?
T: What was what?
Me: You looked at my hair. Don't do that. Don't look at my hair like that.
T: (laughing) I was just thinking that it looks better than it did yesterday when you had a paperclip holding back your bangs.

I'm beginning to think we've gotten too comfortable with each other.
_

Stop and Stare

I'm getting my Social Work midterm back tonight. So ... in about 8 hours I'll either be delighted or disappointed. It's nice to have a glimpse into the future of my afternoon. Spooky.

I've barely worked lately (read: at all) due to days off for midterms etc. Having a hard time working up the nerve to tackle the pile of paperwork on my desk.

Becky is coming for a visit tomorrow! She's staying the night with Kiki and I and all the girls (aside from Kris, who has to work) have confirmed their presence at a fun "We Love Becky" dinner. Can't wait. Will be lovely to have a good portion of "my girls" all in one room. You know ... before the shenanigans of my birthday next week.

I'm so disturbed by the news of the triple homicide in Jennifer Hudson's family. NOT because she's famous and NOT because she's an Oscar Winner but because it's horrendous to lose ANYONE you love - not to mention 3 in one day to something like murder. Horrific. Makes me want to call my family and friends and make sure they know how much I love them.

In fact ... that's what I'll spend my lunch time doing.
_

Dear Mr. President

I can't stand being sick. I'm such a baby and my poor room-mates are probably starting to learn that. I wish my Mom was here to make me tea and soup and tuck me in. But I'm lucky, Kiki does all that stuff - even if she does make me chicken noodle soup despite my vegetarianism.

So this weekend is going to consist of studying and self-medication. I've got class tomorrow morning but aside from that, I won't be leaving the house. Resting, studying, studying, resting. I'm nervous about next week's midterms - doing poorly on the first midterm of the semester tends to set the standard for the rest of the year. I need to do well because I'm smart and when smart people do badly on tests, it makes them look lazy. And stupid. I may be lazy but stupid I am not.

Every once in a while I find myself imagining what a conversation between myself and President Bush would sound like. Usually I decide that it would consist of me shaking my head, mentioning the genocide in Darfur, looking him in the eyes and asking "How do you sleep at night?".

In my head, he has no response. In real life, they don't let people like me near people like him.

Love, Pain, The Whole Damn Thing

Sometimes the memories overpower me - my resolve fades and I let myself dwell, if only for a second. I refuse to think about you because by doing so, I give credit to who you're not. The memories I have of you don't do you justice - that's not who you are. You're not kind or passionate, you don't actually give a shit about me. But I'll give you this - you're quite the actor.

I see how she is with you - enamored and floating, so completely unaware. I want to warn her, to expose you as the masked stranger you are - confused and self-obsessed, blind and velvetly convincing. The only reason I don't?

I refuse to be the girl who plays that game.
I refuse to give you the chance to explain and justify yourself.
I refuse to reveal to you who you really are.
I refuse to make self-discovery that easy and painless for you.

I want to see the look on your face when you finally take a long look in the mirror and can't stand what you see.

So go ahead and mime your way through another relationship. Take another heart, take another risk, take another step towards what will surely be yet another damaging collision of reality and fantasy.

Take another step back from me.

I see through you. I see through your thinly veiled apologies and smiling betrayals.
We're not friends. We're not okay.

I am. But we're not.
_

Baby, You're No Good

I'm staring - why can't I stop staring?! Even as I type this, I'm still staring out the window. Seriously, what is MY problem?! I threw myself in the shower this morning in hopes of waking myself up and preparing for the day, but I kid you not - I got in the shower, got out of the shower and could have gone back to bed for another 24 hours. Wow, having no life is exhausting.

I've got my first mid-term tonight - film. Ugh. I'm so unprepared it's not even funny. I'm tempted to use the 13yr old excuse "When am I ever going to need to know that Orson Welles' swollen-fingered direction of "Citizen Kane" is a mirror of the two-thumbed direction of our own society!?".

Tonight in class we're watching "The Darjeeling Limited" which sounds good except for the whole watching "The Darjeeling Limited" part. Seriously - just MAKING the movie made Owen Wilson slit his wrists - what chance do I have of sitting through the finished product?! I'm hoping - no - PRAYING that I go into anaphylactic shock and end up seizuring down the aisles and straight out the door to my car.

What? A girl can dream.
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I Don't Think You Can Handle This

Where did the weekend go? All I remember is a frenzy of moving - unpacked boxes, bed frames, bruised shins, suitcases, Lysol Wipes and laundry baskets. Oh, and a haircut. Oy.

Monday has descended upon me like a giant fist, squashing me into the ground like a cartoon character as I try to frantically waddle to safety. Dramatic? I'd say so. I've got so much work to do before month end (tomorrow) that it seems a little hopeless. Yet, I perservere.

I finally announced the first meeting of "Every Avenue" - Thursday, Oct 9th. Wow. I started thinking of holding a youth prayer/worship night back in Ireland and now it's actually coming to fruition. So scary and so exciting. And so much responsibility.

I'm trying so hard to plan a road trip to Medicine Hat before it snows - the girls are desperate to go but getting us all together and co-ordinated is quite the chore. We'll see how it goes but I've got a pregnant sister to visit! Becks, I'm on my way!
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I Can Feel You Breathe

My laptop arrives today. I know you don't care, but I so do. I also managed to set up the wireless internet in our house (despite the doubts of certain co-workers who thought I'd never manage it) so as soon as I get the laptop all configured and stuff, I'll totally have the ability to use it at home. Why am I determined to give you all these details? Lord knows.

I'm also chopping my hair off tonight. I made an appointment on a whim and have decided to cut about 4 inches off and layer it. You also don't care about this. But it's okay. These are the details of my life. Deal.

Oh Lord in heaven! My laptop arrived while I was writing this post. It's so beautiful. Next time I update, it'll be from my gorgeous new laptop. Oh relax - I know you're on the edge of your seats but just calm down.
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Move Your Body

I need to start moving. Why can't I get motivated? I think I have an irrational fear that I'll start the moving process and then lose momentum half way in and end up like those fools with one foot on the dock, one foot in the boat and a widening gap between their legs. In other words, I don't want to end up with half my stuff at the house, half still in the apartment and no energy to rectify the situation.

Muss moves out on Friday - another reason I'm in a panic to move. I can't fathom being in the apartment alone. I love my alone time, don't get me wrong - I just can't imagine all her stuff gone and me sitting in the living room alone - unable to make supper because all the dishes belong to her and she took them to Strasbourg.

Guess we'll see how it goes.
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King of Wishful Thinking

(Please excuse the terrible formatting of this post - for some reason posting a photo makes it impossible to format)
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I bought a laptop this morning. It looks exactly like the one on the left. Yes, it's purple. No I'm not gay. I've just never seen someone with a purple laptop and I'll be an individual if it KILLS me.
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University is rocking my world. I just thought you'd like to know.
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For some reason I've developed a crazy-ass habit of laughing hysterically when I commit a traffic related faux-pas. I have no idea why - it's not like I enjoy cutting people off or making them mad, but when I see the rage on their face after I've signalled my apology, it makes me CACKLE. Honestly, if you were to hear it you'd be scared because it's an evil, self-indulgent laugh. And it's hysterical. I can't stop myself once I start. How did this happen?!
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Anyways, this weekend we're helping Meredith paint her new house (the inside, not outside) and we're pretty stoked. She has promised us beer, chinese food and good times. I will be holding her to it.
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I Wish I Had A River I Could Skate Away On

I'm going laptop shopping tomorrow. I'm pretty stoked even though I know as soon as I pass through the automatic doors, the nerdy ears of the GeekSquad at FutureShop will prick up - "*sniff* Jeremy ... do you smell that?" (Jeremy sniffs the air) "Yeah dude ... smells like ... like ... inexperience ... vulnerability and ... is that ? Yeah man, I smell a sucker". They can spot me a mile away. However, I am not what they suspect - yes, I am vulnerable, inexperienced and bringing a friend who is distracted by shiny/sparkly/pink things - BUT, I am NOT "Daddy's-little-princess-walking-around-clueless-with-his-MasterCard-and-a-slight-air-of-undeserved-entitlement-and-superiority-wondering-aloud-if-they-have-any-Pink-Mac's-left-in-stock".

I may be clueless. I may be a sucker. But RICH I am not. You can't get blood from a stone, fellas. That's right, go on ahead and move on to Princess Peach while I search for something functioning under $900.

That's my strategy. I wonder how that's gonna work for me ...

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Hittin' The Books

School starts tomorrow - my first University class in ... wow, over 3 years. I am so nervous but also really really excited. It will be so fantastic to get into my head again. I am so sick of all the drama and noise that's been around me lately - I just want no part of it. I want to be in school - removed from it all - I want to have the excuse "Sorry, too much homework" whenever someone calls and wants to waste my time with problems I can't fix. Sorry, I know that sounds mean but I'm tired of being woken up at all hours with all sorts of problems. I love my friends and I will ALWAYS be there when they need me - but seriously? Sometimes I just want to shout "Can't this wait til morning?!".

Anyways ...

I'm excited. And pondering a move to Strasbourg? Today will be the day I decide ... Lord, help! This could be one very big adventure!

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